What's in my Vest?
Flyfishing Stories by Bob Lawless

Let me just say that there's plenty of good stuff in there:
over a thousand flies,leaders,tippets, various bottles of stuff, including whiskey, anti-bug, anti-sun, anti-sink, anti-float, anti-histamines, anti-this and anti-that. Tools: knives, hemostats, clippers,scissors,lights,.380 auto job, pliers, a small saw, a hatchet, and another back-up gun. For safety, I have an automatic and manuel inflation device, a rocket pistol and about a dozen flares, the guns, bandaids, matches, asprins, my medications, and various other linaments, lotions, and balms.
But I won't bore you further with such common and ordinary gear. It's the non-trational stuff that I carry that is of interest here.
I carry a live parrot in my upper left had pocket. He is not allowed on the right hand side where my rod is because one time he snipped my line in a New York second when I had a huge fish on one moment and he was gone the next. He asked for a cracker. No cracker! Bad bird!
He's a lot of fun when I'm standing alone in the pouring rain out in the middle of the river with not a chance in hell to catch anything.
I'm frozen,depressed, frightened, hungry, thirsty, sick, roaring headache, exhausted and I'm giving some thought to calling it a day, particulary because it is getting dark anyway.
That's when my buddy, "Oleander," comes in handy. All he can say are filthy, obscene, sinful words. That way I don't have to waste needed energy using these vile expressions myself. You might consider buying a parrot (EBay) if you think you need added help when having so much fun. I also carry a small dog,"Smolt" who works well licking the tears from my cheeks when the going gets tough; he can stay in the pocket on right upper side because he has threaten my line only once and I had no fish on.
Sometimes I carry so much gear(a small, battery operated, color t.v. travel brochures, etc.)that I can't fish. So I just sit on the bank, using my parrot and dog to help me get by. I've thought about getting rid of either the scissors or the nippers and maybe carry only one gun. But naw, you just never know.