The Ultimate Jet Boat
Flyfishing Stories by Bob Lawless

Soon, I will be launching my new jet boat and I expect to receive international attention, indeed, lavish international praise for my innovative skills.. This may be my chance to become famous and extremely wealthy. If this happens, each member of the forum will receive a nice can of fresh nightcrawlers. HAHAHA.

Well, I scarcely know where to begin. Allow me, my dearest and only friends, to give a few dimensions: she will be named The Pale Blue, Light Evening Dun, Queen Agatenella, and she will be forty feet in length, have a 12' beam, and draw no water whosoever because she will be a hydroplane. Perfect for fly fishing Washington waters!

She will be powered by two banks of three each GMC 671 diesel engines. Six engines in all.
Are you with me? I will keep her moored over here on the peninsula and I will roar across the sound and enter whatever river my heart desires. You will probably see me numerous times this season. This boat will have its down side, however. Wading fisherman will be covered with spray and though there will only be a slight wake, it will probably be enough to flood boots. Fish might get spooked. But be forewarned. If you hear me coming, and you should be able to do this at least a 1/4 of a mile in advance, run for your life. Remember I will be coming upstream at about 80 mph and I will have no time for courtesies such as, "Watch the Hell Out! Also, if I am in a hurry chasing a hot bite, I may cut across bends in the river since my boat will be able to travel on dry land. If you or your loved ones are in my way, may I offer in advance my deepest and most sincerely felt sympathies. I regret making such a scene, but in these days of large, unruly crowds on the rivers, one has to show some muscle, step up to the plate, be bold, if you will. As Richard Milhouse Nixon once said, "When the going gets tough, the tough get a big jet boat."

The Queen will have many other nice appointments: six staterooms, two captain's cabins, a spa, a crew of six ( I will not be running the boat as I will be on the aft deck fly fishing), some protection (a secret here and so can not be described) a 3" water hose.to cool off any hot heads that might be fishing, and considerable armor plate to ward off any stones that might be thrown. So just forget that one!

Heated, with the best in DVD, music everywhere, a nice bar and lounge for fishing discussions, a gourmet kitchen and a small Toyota for going into town, it might be said of her that she is a nice river boat. Upstream or down, the whole river will be accessible to me. Gad, just think of it!

Jet boats always receive so many admiring gazes from those poor peasants fishing along the banks that I am sure mine will probably be met with thunderous applause. May I say in advance, thank you very much.

There is some concern from the biologists (what do they know?) that the down rushing air from such a heavy river craft will scour the bottom and ruin the spawning redds. These bastards are always thinking up such petty little details. They have small, scientific minds and should be ignored. I hope to find one someday taking his little samples from sewer outfalls and cover the schultzhead with a big blast of water from my water cannon. That will fix his damn samples.

Also, these enviroterrorists have suggested that the air quality along the river will be significantly impaired by my six diesels belching fumes in quiet canyon areas that receive little wind. How petty. The air already stinks so a little more of this or that is not going to change anything. Why is that they have no common sense?

The fisheries people (mostly ex-cons and other nare-do-wells) have charged me with going slow up through riffles and as such, sort of herding the fish ahead of me, schooling them, and then picking them off one by one. How could they think this? I use only barbless hooks and when the boat's freezer is filled, I quit for the day. Why don't they bust the real outlaws instead of picking on the little guy just out to have a little fun. What's in the river belongs to the people and they have no right to regulate us. Let us make all the decisions. Everyone can see that I am a fair-minded man. BOBLAWLESS