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What To Do When The
Big Bear Comes
Flyfishing Stories by Bob Lawless
In my constant endeavor to enlighten my dearest
and only readers, I have elected to apprise you of the different
ways one might react to the charge of a massive Grizzly
Bear when, for example, you are fly fishing in Alaska for
some of the fabulous anadromous fish that climb her rivers.
Problem is that you are not the only animal who thinks the
fishing is good. There's those nasty big brown jobs, Grizzly
Bears. I use upper case to express my fear of these bears.
I have read stories about them. I have seen them in the
Olympic Game Farm. There's a huge boar that greets you as
you enter the park and one day he said to me, "If I
ever get out of here and I catch you somewhere, I'm going
to tear out your jalapenos first and eat them slowly and
then maybe a nice junk out of your meaty looking shoulder
and then...." I can't go on with this conversation
because it scares me. He was not a nice person and I'm wondering
if there is anything such as nice person when it comes to
the furry ones, the half toners, the speedsters (I have
read where grizzlies can overtake a race horse for a short
distance, enough to deliver a horrific blow with their front
paw, snapping the horse's neck) you know, those baddies,
are they ever nice? No, I don't think so.
So you can avoid Alaska or British Columbia and stay safe.
But believe me , my dearest and only friends, you will miss
some of the greatest moments of your angling career. Therefore,
I want to school you in several methods by which you can
avoid injury. Moreover, I want to end those night terrors
you frequently have where the bear is about to kill you
and somehow your gun does not operate correctly, you can't
find the proper bullets, etc. and so you awaken, screaming
at the top of your lungs, "Get that bastard away from
me!" And your wife says, half asleep and half disgusted,
"Which bastard is that?"
Let us cut the anecdotes and get on with meat of this story,
the part you can actually use, the part which you will never
forget, especially if you are charged by Mr. UglyBadAssBear.
You are fishing and along come a huge boar; he doesn't like
you(what else is new?), and he breaks into a mind-boggling,
wide open charge. Pick one of the below and see what happens:
1. Snap your rod over your knee and throw it at him( remember
it carries a guarantee for this sort of thing), act vicious
yourself, snarl and roar with all your might. Move toward
the bear, clacking your teeth, kicking viciously; a lot
of water should land in his face. Wave him toward you as
if you just can't wait to get into a fight. Spit a lot.
Glare with all your might. I mean fake like your one big
bad ass yourself and you'd just love to kick his caddis.
This will usually work in nine out of ten cases, but for
that one time in ten when it seems to be failing go on to
number two.
2. Pretend you don't give a fat damn about his stinking
charge. You couldn't care less about this. Pick at a hang
nail or check your arms for some sort of an annoyance that
require your immediate attention. Pretend you are looking
for geese or ducks. Go on fishing as if nothing is up. Or
check your leader for wind knots, frays, etc. Even if there
are none, pretend that there are. This a game of acting,
of good acting, so don't get hung up on reality or lack
of props. You do have a hangnail! If he keeps coming, go
on to number three.
3.Try your favorite biblical scriptures. "Do unto other
as you would have then do unto you." (.Deut.. 4:12)
"Thou shall not kill." (Heathens 1:40) Leave unto
fishermen what is the fishermen's; leave unto bears what
is the bear's." (Law. 1) Or use whatever else you can
think of. By the way, I'm not sure of my biblical references
but the bear won't notice this as I am almost certain they
are not much on the reading of the Bible.. Can't read. No
Bible. No book shelves etc..
4. Play dead. Roll into a fetal ball; protect your ears
from being torn off and eaten. Keep your groin the hell
tight between your thighs. There's nothing worse, I am told,
than a big bite out of your groin. If this fails, try number
5.
5. Run like hell! I know everyone advises against this but
it might work. Maybe the bear is full of fish, has gas problems,
and does not fell like a run, however short it might be.
So he gives up and you are safe. Tell that to the "experts.".
If five fail, go back to number 1 and start over. Or:
6. Say goodbye to the river, the fish, the eagles, your
eyeballs, the contents of your scrotum. Make peace. Tell
the bear that, while his breath and attitude stinks, that
you think he's really not a bad fellow and you wish all
this ugliness could have been avoided somehow. Then, RIP
BOBLAWLESS
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