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Dear Citori, NFR

13K views 155 replies 39 participants last post by  Coasty 
#1 ·
:ray1:After reading Ricklea's "farewell to the world" post and the many responses thereto, I have deemed myself at least as qualified as most everyone else on the board to give counseling - much in the same way as the "Psychiatry - $.05" booth that used to appear in the Peanuts strip. I won't start charging the nickel until I see how this works out. So, as of now, and for at least some of the weekend, I am test marketing an advice to the "fish-lorn" column. As stated above, this is most definitely NFR - if it is fishing advice you seek, stay in forum. However, if you are having problems of a more 'personal' sort, such as rude responses to your post, bad hair day, etc. - shoot me a short question and we'll see what we can do to get the wheels back on your bus.

;)The Dr. is in - Line forms to the left.

(Just in case there is a shred of doubt in anyone's mind - this is definitely NOT serious, and most certainly tongue-in-cheek, for entertainment purposes only. Hell, I won't even take my own advice):ray1:
 
#2 ·
I'll bite -

Dear Citori,

I am a member of a couple of fishing forums, and I feel that my fishing-tale skills are lacking. I simply have not been able to come up with the gall to put jaw-dropping stats into my posts.

So, Citori, what advice do you have for someone who feels inadequate when reading about the 76 lb freshwater striper that got away after it was measured, or the school of 6lb + gizzard shad that have taken up residence under docks?

Thanks in advance!
- Modest in the Midwest
 
#3 ·
Dear Citori,

I am a member of a couple of fishing forums, and I feel that my fishing-tale skills are lacking. I simply have not been able to come up with the gall to put jaw-dropping stats into my posts.

So, Citori, what advice do you have for someone who feels inadequate when reading about the 76 lb freshwater striper that got away after it was measured, or the school of 6lb + gizzard shad that have taken up residence under docks?

Thanks in advance!
- Modest in the Midwest
Dear Modest.

Your name is a dead give away. Speak authoritatively and confidently, quote important statistics where appropriate to reinforce your report, and most importantly, lie through your teeth. In no time as you begin to believe your own stories, your feelings of inadequacy will be replaced with the delusions of adequacy the rest of us have.

Citori
 
#5 ·
If you look at my latest post under the Cast and Blast Section you'll know what a bad hair day looks like!!
Dear Charlie,

The reason this bird got so close was obviously an attempt to hatch your head, and thus would constitute use of an illegal decoy. I have forwarded your post to the appropriate authorities.

Citori
 
#8 ·
Dear Dick,

It won't do any good to post your days off. You are the only one experiencing that weather. This is your punishment by the fish gods for turning into a fair weather fisherman. In order to reverse this trend, you will have to do what you did when you were younger. You will not only have to go out in whatever weather comes, you will have to actually enjoy it, and be convincing about it. Only then will the fish gods see that there is no more fun to be had by visiting inclement weather and conditions upon you.

I didn't realize it was you who was screwing up the weather for everyone around you. Quit sniveling and go take one for the team.

Citori
 
#9 ·
Dear Citori,

I have a problem with knots. Sometimes when I'm fishing I notice unwanted knots on my leader. A friend called them "wind knots", however they appear at times when there is no wind. My brother-in-law suggested it was a crooked joint in my fly rod, so I bought a new rod. That helped a little so I bought another rod, with each new rod the knots became fewer and fewer. I now have a good collection of great rods but the knots are back.

Last week I met a nice girl and asked her out to dinner. Before we arrived at the restaurant I got knots in my stomach. Then I remembered what had worked before, so toward the end of the evening I asked her if she'd like to go back to my place and see my new rod? She got angry and ended the date. I was so dissappointed.

I told my brother about this, he says it may not be a knot problem, could be a karma problem. I don't know much about karma. Perhaps you could suggest a good karma catalogue?

Bent out of shape,
Duville
 
#10 ·
Dear Bent,

You are obviously throwing too tight a loop. You need to slow down your tempo. Pick out your rod with longest belly, and work with that a while.

If your girlfriend doesn't want to see your rod, fly or otherwise, you need to drop her like a hot rock. Find one that appreciates a full wells grip.

Sounds like your brother's a new age, granola eating metrosexual...here's a link for him. http://www.akclothing.net/catalog.html

You don't need to worry about it. Once you slow down your delivery, fly or otherwise, you'll do just fine.

Citori
 
#11 ·
Dear Citori,

Every time I get geared up to go fishing My wife says no, and that I have to stay home with the two year old. So I say that I could just take him with me, he has to learn about the good things in life sometime. Then she gets real mad and makes me do work around the house, and ruins my day.How do I get her to chill out and let me be free?:confused:
 
#20 ·
Dear Mike,

Honestly, I don't even know how to respond. First order of business is to identify the 'person' who commented on the size of your ass in your waders, and show them your ass as you walk decidedly away. It is a well known fact that fish like fishermen who's asses look fat in waders.

Citori
 
#16 ·
Dear Dr. Citori,

A friend of mine took me to the "S " river and let me play with his rod. The power I felt between both hands was just intense. It just felt so good handling his rod, swing it it back , side to side .....and that....that forward jerk! I feel so ashamed because I have always been a one handed type of guy. I feel so inadequate holding my own rod now.bawling:

As a single hander, I was always told it isn't the size of your rod that counts but it is in the way you time your strokes.

I just can't stop thinking of how two hands feel....these guys just know how to swing......Dr...what do you suggest?????

signed

So confused
 
#19 ·
Dear Citori,

So I have this duffel bag. I use it religiously for fishing as it's the perfect size, waterproof and quite durable. Now for the problem. The bag was once red like a fire engine, but over time has faded to what I call a more aged shade of red. My neighbor/fishing buddy swears up and down it's not red at all, but pink! He refuses to let me ride in his truck with the bag and, moreover, claims anyone with such a bag must be light in the loafers.

I can assure you that the bag IS red and, furthermore, I don’t even own a pair of loafers. My question: Should I replace my trusty 'aged red' bag with something in black or perhaps camo to shut my colorphobic neighbor up, or should I continue to use the bag and annoy the hell out of him on purpose as I have been? :cool:

Signed,
Confused (but not curious)

P.S. Congrats on your new profession...2008 Thread Of The Year nomination as of now...nice!
 
#23 ·
Dear Citori,

So I have this duffel bag. I use it religiously for fishing as it's the perfect size, waterproof and quite durable. Now for the problem. The bag was once red like a fire engine, but over time has faded to what I call a more aged shade of red. My neighbor/fishing buddy swears up and down it's not red at all, but pink! He refuses to let me ride in his truck with the bag and, moreover, claims anyone with such a bag must be light in the loafers.

I can assure you that the bag IS red and, furthermore, I don't even own a pair of loafers. My question: Should I replace my trusty 'aged red' bag with something in black or perhaps camo to shut my colorphobic neighbor up, or should I continue to use the bag and annoy the hell out of him on purpose as I have been? :cool:

Signed,
Confused (but not curious)
Dear Confused but not curious,

Seriously, a red bag, for fishing gear??? Red is just a darker shade of pink. I think you have just outed yourself. No longer does it matter what color bag you carry...

Dude.

Citori
 
#24 ·
Dear Citori,

Sometimes late at night, after my family has long since gone to bed, I'll turn on my computer and log on to this site and look at Mingo's avatar.

I'm a happily married man of almost 19 years. My wife and mother of my two children is a terrific gal. Am I being unfaithful by my actions?

Signed,

Virtual Voyeur
 
#25 ·
Dear Citori,

A couple of months back I won several million dollars in a lottery drawing. I tried hard to keep it secret but after a while questions started to be asked about my new pickup, SUV, motorhome and the new house we have started on the upper 40. Word got out and spread quickly. Now ex-buddies that have considered me too old, too loopy or too uncool to associate with have started to contact me and chat it up.

Should I be flattered by their sudden attentions or just dismiss them as disingenuous twits that hope to somehow profit from my recent good fortune?

Signed,

Big Bucks Ive, formerly IveofIone
 
#29 ·
Dear Citori,

A couple of months back I won several million dollars in a lottery drawing. I tried hard to keep it secret but after a while questions started to be asked about my new pickup, SUV, motorhome and the new house we have started on the upper 40. Word got out and spread quickly. Now ex-buddies that have considered me too old, too loopy or too uncool to associate with have started to contact me and chat it up.

Should I be flattered by their sudden attentions or just dismiss them as disingenuous twits that hope to somehow profit from my recent good fortune?

Signed,

Big Bucks Ive, formerly IveofIone
Dear Big Bucks,

I feel necessary to let you know that your post has unfortunately come to me just after my last free consult. The invoice is in the mail.

Also, I wouldn't be in too big a hurry to answer emails from members of this board interested in taking you in the woods to become your new "fishin' buddy".

As for your "friends", of course they are twits! In fact, I am the only one with your best interests at heart - you definitely should not trust anyone else.

You will be injured and hurt hearing this news, and you will definitely be in need of intensive counselling. While the other members of the board will no doubt miss my eloquent postings and hearty repartee, I will, for a nominal retainer, make my services available to you exclusively. I will be in Ione by noon tomorrow, and we can begin our sessions.

You are so fortunate you got in touch with me before any real damage has been done.

Citori
 
#26 ·
Dear Citori,
I've always admired the fascinating and informative postings of IveofIone, and although he and I have never met, I have recently entertained the idea of becoming one of his fishing buddies, as i know nothing about where to fish in the NE part of the state and I figured he'd be the one to hang out with.
How do you suggest I go about this? I mean, without appearing like I'm just another "wet-sider" looking to raid the northeastern havens?
 
#28 ·
Dear Jimbo,

I have been to Ione. Think Dueling Banjo's. Leave your teeth and shoes at home and I think you boys will get along just fine.

Seriously though. I have entertained thoughts like this myself with other members of this esteemed community. No risk, no reward. Shoot him an email and ask if he's up for a visit. In keeping with the "give before you get" philosophy the noob's don't get, you might invite him over for a razor clam dig and a try for some surf perch.

Fishin' buddies don't have to go fishin' to be buddies.

Citori
 
#30 ·
Dear Citori

My double haul seems to be suffering and I think it's due to my receding hairline and my recent impotence, before a big fly fishing fishing event I can't seem to wake up with my few hairs upright and straight and my casting arm is limp and asleep. I'm truly exicited and anxious every morning before such an event but this problem seems to persist....the performance has regulary been poor lately ......any suggestions to improve? The catch rate is suffering...Please Help :)
 
#31 ·
Dear Mixed Metaphors,

There seem to be multiple issues. You may in fact be suffering multiple technique disorder, but we will have to ask some simple questions before a diagnosis is possible.

Is the hair that isn't upright on the palm of your casting hand?
Is your casting arm all that is limp, or is your haul arm limp as well?

My guess is that performance anxiety is at the root of the issue. Your casting arm being limp is no doubt due to you waking up with your arm asleep, which means that you are laying on it, which also means your haul arm is fine. Switch sides of the bed, go to sleep on your back, and wear a pair of your wife's pantyhose under your waders. Between your sleep deprivation and the grip of the nylons, you won't be thinking about your "performance' and the rest should take care of yourself.

Many of the rest of us know how well this works, but let us know how it does the job for you.

Citori
 
#32 ·
Dear Citori.

My friend and I are having a falling out over a long standing debate.

I contend that it's not the size of the rod, but how you use it. He contends that the longer the rod, the better you can use it and really "swing" as he says. Who's right?

Signed, Happy with is medium sized stick.
 
#36 ·
Dear Citori.

My friend and I are having a falling out over a long standing debate.

I contend that it's not the size of the rod, but how you use it. He contends that the longer the rod, the better you can use it and really "swing" as he says. Who's right?

Signed, Happy with is medium sized stick.
Dear Happy,

Is is both the size of the rod, and how you use it. If you're happy with the rod, it is the right size. If you're not, it's not. If you're happy with it, you'll swing it...

The thing to avoid is the length envy...never a good thing. Then you will always be looking for one just a little bit longer.

I really hate that.

Citori
 
#33 ·
Dear Citori,

I have fly fished for almost 50 years now and I have never pissed my pants from the excitement. Is this normal? I am now worried because I take a small high blood pressure pill and the need to pee arises frequently for the first 2 or 3 hours after the pill. If this coincides with my fishing success lately, I’m afraid I’m going to pee my pants one of these days soon. Would you recommend bringing along a plastic bottle or should I just wait and see how things go? Do you think I should see my physician about this? I'm really nervous about what my friends would say if I did have a mistake. It would be quite embarrassing. By the way, I’m not interested in those astronaut type diapers, so don’t even go there…

Signed

Not An Astronaut
 
#35 ·
Dear Citori,

I have fly fished for almost 50 years now and I have never pissed my pants from the excitement. Is this normal? I am now worried because I take a small high blood pressure pill and the need to pee arises frequently for the first 2 or 3 hours after the pill. If this coincides with my fishing success lately, I'm afraid I'm going to pee my pants one of these days soon. Would you recommend bringing along a plastic bottle or should I just wait and see how things go? Do you think I should see my physician about this? I'm really nervous about what my friends would say if I did have a mistake. It would be quite embarrassing. By the way, I'm not interested in those astronaut type diapers, so don't even go there…

Signed

Not An Astronaut
Dear Pee Pee boy,

What Ive said.

Citori
 
#34 ·
Dryflylarry,
I'm sure Citori will have a clinically precise answer to your query but as a guy that caught his first fish on a fly on July 28,1953 I know of what you speak. Just remember that waders work both ways so your friends never have to know! In case of an accident just feign a fall as you leave the water and take on some ballast as you come ashore.

Some of the guys I fish with 'fall' so often I don't know if they are clumsy or just rinsing. Ive
 
#39 ·
To all those with "rod problems", check out Viagra.
 
#40 ·
Dear Cit,

Time and time again I find myself locked in this “time vs money” pendulum concerning my career, where the more money I achieve, the less time I have for fly fishing. I have often speculated, even romanticized about positioning myself in an area/career that would allow me to get out more often and enjoy time on the water. Just when I am almost willing to take the plunge and pursue a career closer to fly fishing, I counter this thought with the rationality that fly fishing will always be a “hobby” and a corporate career will be the means to sustain this “hobby.” The further I climb up this career ladder, the less time I will have for fly fishing, but with deeper financial pockets.

My question is what really is the key to happiness in life, having more time for pleasure, or having more money to enjoy this pleasure?
 
#41 ·
Dear Cit,

Time and time again I find myself locked in this "time vs money" pendulum concerning my career, where the more money I achieve, the less time I have for fly fishing. I have often speculated, even romanticized about positioning myself in an area/career that would allow me to get out more often and enjoy time on the water. Just when I am almost willing to take the plunge and pursue a career closer to fly fishing, I counter this thought with the rationality that fly fishing will always be a "hobby" and a corporate career will be the means to sustain this "hobby." The further I climb up this career ladder, the less time I will have for fly fishing, but with deeper financial pockets.

My question is what really is the key to happiness in life, having more time for pleasure, or having more money to enjoy this pleasure?
Dear lost in the '70's,

OK, just one more.

The quickest way to learn how to hate something you used to love is to get yourself in a positon where you have to do it every day. Fishing needs to stay out of the career side of things, and stay in the hobby part.

It is said that Money can't buy Happiness. But I have a friend who has money, a really big boat, a couple of smaller boats, an airplane or two, and is already on his third major vacation this year. From where I sit, he looks pretty happy. Money may not be able to buy happiness, but it can rent the hell out of it.

My advice is to fish when you can, enjoy it when you do, and set aside a % of your income to buy lottery tickets. When you win, remember who gave you this invaluable advice.

Citori
 
#42 ·
Hey Piscatorial Noggin Fixer-

You can't walk away now. You've created an emotional dependence for those of us to darn dysfunctional to have normal relationships. You don't want to be the catalyst that forces us to severly abuse another newbie!
 
#43 ·
Dear Dependent.

Ive is somewhat disinclined to take me up on my very generous offer to become his personal spiritual and financial advisor, so I guess I will hang in there for a while longer.

Someone has to put the "fun" back in "dysfunction"...

The Dr. is in. $.05 per session.
 
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