(NFR) If Santa ever did exist, he's dead now...

Discussion in 'Fly Fishing Forum' started by Steve Buckner, Dec 23, 2005.

  1. Steve Buckner Mother Nature's Son

    As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. [Spy Magazine no longer exists. So how did versions of this story wind up on the Internet? Actually, this story first originated by an email from Rod Morgan , Systems and Integration Office IRM/OPS/SIO , U. S. Department of State , who sent an email out in 1987. Though computers at the Department of Stare were networked, they were not yet connected to the Intenet. The U.S. Navy, on the otherhand. was conncected to the internet. As it turned out, one of Rod's friends had a son in the Navy who liked the story. So out into the intenet the story went! From there, this tale has grown almost as fast as the net! We decided to give the story some of our own modifications and add some graphics. Thanks to Rod Morgan for getting this out to the world!]

    1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
    living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
    and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only
    Santa has ever seen.

    2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since
    Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
    children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million
    according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3.5
    children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at
    least one good child in each.

    3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
    time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to
    west(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This
    is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
    1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney,
    fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
    whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
    sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8
    million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we
    know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),
    we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2
    million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least
    once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh
    is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For
    purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses
    space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional
    reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

    4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
    that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
    the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
    described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
    than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
    pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
    nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
    counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison
    - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

    5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
    resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
    spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
    will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,
    they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
    behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.The entire
    reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa,
    meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater
    than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)would be
    pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

    In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
    dead now.
  2. Porter Active Member

    Posts: 6,422
    Kenmore, WA, USA.
    Ratings: +511 / 0
    Oh Great...when am I supposed to tell my kids?
  3. Luv2flyfish Another Flyfisherman

    Posts: 753
    Western WA, US.
    Ratings: +0 / 0
    Steve - I know for a fact that you had an absolute HAY DAY with all those facts and figures.....since you're a facts and figures kinda guy. Dude, go drink some wine and eat some turkey or something.

    I am striving to be politically correct....so Happy Holidays everyone.
  4. Jim Wallace Smells like low tide

    Posts: 5,650
    Somewhere on the Coast
    Ratings: +540 / 0
    This dude, Rod Morgan, he sounds like he was one helluva bureaucrat, coming up with that shizz! I'll betcha he got a promotion out of that!:rofl:

  5. Rory McMahon Active Member

    Posts: 1,615
    Ratings: +2 / 0
    You forgot to take into account that santa doesn't visit the poor kids
  6. Steve Buckner Mother Nature's Son

    Hey Bird,
    I have to admit, I first read this well before the "internet" was developed while I was in college working toward my B.S. in Applied Physics. And as you point out, got quite a kick out of the facts and figures...And just when I was sure there was a Santa, my hopes and dreams were dashed...;)

    Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to Everyone

  7. andycarey New Member

    Posts: 149
    Ashford & Olympia, WA
    Ratings: +0 / 0
    Santa exists in the heart of every parent, grandparent, godparent, big brother, big sister, and philanthropist of whatever ethnicity, gender, or religion ... it is the spirit of giving, especially giving to those younger, less fortunate, in need (of material things, love, or just surprises) ... the true meaning of xmas.
  8. Tim Cottage Formerly tbc1415

    Posts: 1,685
    Outer Duvall
    Ratings: +244 / 1
    While I did enjoy reading through the facts and figures presented here and had no trouble believing them, I must disagree with the conclusion.

    The only acceptable conclusion that I can find in all this is that Santa and his Sled and his flying reindeer are Magic.

    I mean, what is Christmas without Magic and without Magic what fun is life on earth or any where else?

    Certainly magic has a lot to do with fishing, everyone knows that. Even Physics majors.

    Merry Christmas
  9. papafsh Piscatorial predilection

    Posts: 2,223
    Camano Island, WA, USA.
    Ratings: +62 / 0
    Get a grip, dude!
    First of all Santa is not a fact, he or it, is a concept. A story, if you will, to delight children and please grown-up's.
    Subjecting the same, to so-called facts, is completely un-worthy.
    Who are you trying to impress, who are you trying to get even with, your parents?
    Santa is, Fantasy.
    Have you become so jaded that you feel compelled to tear down the wonder of Santa?
    Shame, shame on you Steve Buckner!
    I here-by grant you the Scrooge award for 2005! ;)

  10. bugnuts Member

    Posts: 128
    U.P., WA
    Ratings: +6 / 0
    He took a break from trashing GW and turned his attention to the big defenseless guy in the red suit...must be hell to be a liberal. :p;)
  11. Old Man Just an Old Man

    Posts: 21,601
    Dillon, Mt
    Ratings: +1,653 / 0
    If Santa's a fantasy,so is fishing for Steelhead.:p :p :p :p :p :p :p
  12. Dick Warnke was Pram-Man

    Posts: 761
    Federal Way Wa
    Ratings: +2 / 0
    Jim, The fishing for em isn't the fantasy.....catching them is!!! Merry Christmas . Pram Man.
  13. Steve Buckner Mother Nature's Son

    Papafish...if only someone would have told me the truth when I was younger...I didn't figure it out until after doing the math when I was 25...:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

  14. Steve Buckner Mother Nature's Son

    I think that it was after learning that the guy in the red suit was hoax that I became so skeptical about folks that told stories...like the ones GW tells!;)

    Merry Christmas!

  15. Jerry Daschofsky Moderator

    Posts: 7,717
    Graham, WA, USA.
    Ratings: +659 / 5
    What? Santa doesn't exist? Why yes the hell he does. Just that he has "helpers" now. Well back in the day, he did it himself (of course, alot smaller area). Now he has the men in brown do it for him (and the other carriers too of course ;) ). Hell, I did over 1,200 deliveries this week (by myself mind you, no helper). Factor in all the other companies, and it's quite easily done. Called subcontracting. Everyone is doing it (even Santa).

    So don't knock the man in the red suit. He just delivers the packages now in many other colors. ;)
  16. suckegg Active Member

    Posts: 358
    Ellensburg, WA,
    Ratings: +88 / 0
    For a "guy who doesn't exists" he has somehow gotten an awlful lot of "adults" working for him....

    besides we have known for a couple decades that science can't explain everything...

    ..Buckner, now your working with "bad intelligence", you of all people know better then to trust some goverment report....if they can rid of Santa Claus it's just one more obstacle out of the way in the fight to drill for oil up there....

    Long Live Santa! :beer2:
  17. Zen Piscator Supporting wild steelhead, gravel to gravel.

    Posts: 3,076
    Missoula, MT
    Ratings: +13 / 0
    Dude whats up with all the liberal propoganda? Steve, it's the season to get back to your evangelical roots.

    See ya in church.

  18. Luv2flyfish Another Flyfisherman

    Posts: 753
    Western WA, US.
    Ratings: +0 / 0
    Hey Zen.......Please dont get him going on that subject either. I am sure that would result in all kinds of torqued off people. I may be the only person on this board to have FULLY heard "The worlds politics according to Steve." For most of which I agree with the guy. I am also probably the only person on the board to have Fully heard, "The worlds religion according to Steve." I can offer you this much advice......do yourself a favor and dont open up that can of worms. You'll be sorry! haha

    I think we should dub Steve as the boards Scrooge.
  19. bugnuts Member

    Posts: 128
    U.P., WA
    Ratings: +6 / 0
    So it can all be traced back to that one mistake, eh Skinny? :D It's never too late to believe my friend...and Merry Christmas to you too. :beer2:
  20. ray helaers New Member

    Posts: 1,088
    Ratings: +0 / 0
    Well, Steve, you make a compelling case, except for one thing; Santa showed up at our house sometime overnight. I think your argument only proves what Tim said and every seven-year-old already knew in their hearts: Santa Claus is MAGIC; Santa Claus is LOVE. As you've aptly demonstrated, there is simply no other explanation.

    This reminds me of my favorite scene in "Miracle on 34th Street" when Chris' attorney calls the prosecutor's little girl to the stand as an expert witness on the existence of Santa Claus. Rather than cross examine, the prosecutor simply concedes, "The State stipulates the existence of Santa."

    Stipulate, my friend, stipulate.

    In the spirit of the day (not to mention a couple Christmas-morning mimosas), I will say it: