(NFR) Significant others: fishing related friction

Discussion in 'Fly Fishing Forum' started by GreenButt, Apr 23, 2004.

  1. GreenButt New Member

    Posts: 102
    East Side, WA, USA.
    Ratings: +0 / 0
    Related to comments I read in another post regarding couch time at home. Curious to know how folks manage to fish when they do, and still keep things peaceful on the homefront? It seems to be a constant problem for me, and while I do care tremendously for mine, I need my time to tie flies (weeknights) and feel the need to fish at least one weekend per month which is the absolute minimum. Before when I was single I could fish every day, although I admit to being lonely and dreaming up beckoning naked maidens around the next river bend. It sure is nice to come home to someone and maybe some hot food after a day on the river, even if that person doesn't believe any of my fish stories. However, when that someone is pissed, life is not good...
  2. D3Smartie Active Member

    Posts: 1,987
    WA
    Ratings: +4 / 0
    I know completely where you are coming from. I lost a girlfiend to Duck Hunting one year but now I have found one that understands me a little better.
    For me there can be no happy medium if I dont get out almost as much as i want to. My point to her is that, i have always been this way and she isnt going to change it. She realizes this and the fact that her whining/complaining will only get me out of the house faster.
    As far as my experience goes, the noose will only get tighter. Try to fix the time allotted as fast as possible. It will only get worse if not addressed.
  3. Jason Trout Bum

    Posts: 666
    Edmonds, WA
    Ratings: +0 / 0
    Well as being somewhat of a newlywed (almost 1 year) And I have only been flyfishing for just over a year now. She is happy that I found a hobby that I like but doesn't want me to become someone that takes it so serious that I am alway gone fishing. She did agree that buying my pontoon was a good purchase since I like Fly Fishing so much in such a short amout of time and wants me to get our money's worth.

    Before we were married we never did anything alone, always the two of us. Now fishing is my "Me" time and she has "me" time when I am gone fishing.
  4. Peter Pancho Active Member

    Posts: 1,748
    Gig Harbor,WA
    Ratings: +8 / 0
    I'm right with you Greenbutt. I have a 6 month old daughter and wonderful wife of 2 years. I truely love them both dearly with all my heart and vowed to NEVER let anything get between us including my selfish gratifications, ie; fishing,guitar,etc. My whole perspective has changed and knew it was coming when I got married and had my daughter.
    I have a new Clackacraft DB and tons of great gear but only get to fish barely once a month. Like you, I once fished 5 times a month before our baby, but thats ok because I accepted it and easily made the adjustment to spend the majority of my time with my wife and daughter. I know that I wish I could fish more but I have set priorties that I have made for myself and family. Who knows, maybe next year I'll be able to move up to 2-3 times a month! Yaahhooo!
    Good luck and remember to Love you spouse with all your heart,mind,soul and strength...Why, because the Man says so.

    Peter ><>
  5. Jim Wallace Smells like low tide

    Posts: 5,654
    Somewhere on the Coast
    Ratings: +540 / 0
    "Freedom" is just another word for "nothin' left to lose..."

    Jimbo
  6. Rob Blomquist Formerly Tight Loops

    Posts: 1,343
    Mountlake Terrace, WA, USA.
    Ratings: +1 / 0
    One needs to balance relationships with fishing. Its no big deal, really, but friction will happen, and the fisher will have to figure out if fishing or the relationship are more important.

    My wife and I, now married 5 years with a baby on the way...used to argue about it, but now she even looks at me, and says, I think you need a fishing trip. Not that she wants me out of the house, but she sees me frazzled from the responsibilities of home ownership, and all the rest of the trappings. This was the woman who was upset with me fishing only a couple of years ago.

    If the relationship is a keeper, or just a catch and release, is up to the fisher. But remember, every catch has its fight, fish or partner. Just say cool, keep a tight line, and hang in there.

    Rob
  7. Tony Kraft der Fliegenfischer

    Posts: 73
    Mukilteo, WA. USA.
    Ratings: +0 / 0
    I am fortunate enough to have a wife who understands my need to fish. I have had my Fly Fishing
    gear for almost 6 years, my In-laws thought I should learn. I only used it once a year at Dry Falls,
    I turned a corner in March of 2003 and have gone every Saturday since then. Although the places
    I have fished aren't always in the quietest settings, I have been fishing and have been catching...
    most of all it has provided the escape of serenity I have needed in a trying year.

    I go every Saturday morning early in the summer (0400) and (0600-0700) in the winter. I'm usually only
    gone until 1200-1300, all local lakes 30-45 minutes away from Mukilteo, WA.
  8. Steve Buckner Mother Nature's Son

    I think it is healthy for people in the relationship to pursue their passions. It is what makes us who we are. I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where my wife demanded that I spend each weekend home...but that's me. I'll also add that I don't have any kids so that also frees up my schedule and responsibilities. I chose to live my life this way because I value my freedom to do what I want when I want more than anything. I'll also add that my dogs seem more than willing to go fishing whenever I choose...:p :p :p

    While growing up, my father would golf nearly every saturday. He would get up early, golf, and be back fairly early in the afternoon. He would spend the rest of the day working in the garden etc.. He struck a happy balance between enjoying life and taking care of the family.

    Steve Buckner
    www.northwestflyfisherman.com
  9. flydreamin New Member

    Posts: 119
    Lake Stevens, Washington, U.S.A.
    Ratings: +0 / 0
    Ihear you all, loud and clear, I have a wife of 5 years and we have been together for about 10 years, I have a 4 year old and a 8 month boy and they are three of the needest people I know. For me it's twice as difficult on my wife because I never fished before we moved too Washington a little over a year ago and she's having a difficult time adjusting because she is so un used to it and has no hobby or friends of her own here. It's seems like maybe we should help our wifes start some kind of wifes of fly fishers support group for each other, maybe that way they could bitch to one another and not us. Luckily I'm a stay at home father do to some serious car accident I got into a few years ago and attend college at night for reeducation, this is hoe I justify it to her. All I can say is do as much for her as possible before you go out and not after, clean the dishes, the house, do the laundry and some personallised stuff for just her. If you can't find the time to do these things for her how can you justify the fact that you expect her to do things that put her out for you, meaning fishing or tying flies. Just my dollars worth.

    "If fishing is like religion, then flyfishing is high church." - Tom Brokaw:dunno
  10. Kent Lufkin Remember when you could remember everything?

    Posts: 7,136
    Not sure
    Ratings: +1,225 / 0
    >is hoe I justify it to her. All I can say is do as much
    >for her as possible before you go out and not after,
    >clean the dishes, the house, do the laundry and some
    >personallised stuff for just her. If you can't find the
    >time to do these things for her how can you justify the
    >fact that you expect her to do things that put her out
    >for you, meaning fishing or tying flies.

    Absolutely right. When that HoneyDo list is short with lots of items checked off it's a lot easier to make a case for spending a day on the water. Another convincer is the notion that recreation means just what it says: re-creation.
  11. Jim Wallace Smells like low tide

    Posts: 5,654
    Somewhere on the Coast
    Ratings: +540 / 0
    Bad idea on the flyfishing widows' support group. If they get together, they will plot and scheme...

    Jimbo:professor :eek :rofl :rofl :rofl

    (All of the above replies contain excellent advice... give-and-take, away time to persue individual interests, putting your family responsibilities first, and proof of done "honeydo's". The away time is important, as "absence makes the heart grow fonder," or at least it keeps you from getting on each other's nerves).
  12. spanishfly Steelberg

    Posts: 1,521
    Issaquah, WA, USA.
    Ratings: +0 / 0
    Fortunately my fiancé doesn't bother me too much about it we've been together for 5 years so practically married...If I feel like going fishing I just get my stuff out and tell her I'm going fishing. I don't give her grief about going to Bellevue Square so it works out perfect. I work Monday through Friday so one of my weekend days is dedicated to fishing and one with the family. If I'm fishing close to home I will fish a couple hours each day. I will also make some cameo after work as well. I have a 2 year old son so I try and take him out as much as possible even if it's just taking him to the local lake and letting him throw in his scooby pole.

    Being in the outdoors who I am this is something that was established when we first met so the foundation has already been set. Hey, it beats bellying up to the local tavern on a regular basis.
  13. Roper Idiot Savant

    Posts: 4,288
    Glenraven Ranch
    Ratings: +771 / 1
    I think we all learned at an early age that one spends time doing what one loves. What message does one send if time is not spent with or doing things for their S.O.? You have to ask yourself what is most important and what length you're willing to go to in order to preserve that. Everything else falls in place after that...

    My mother-in-law bought me a plaque that says "Here lives one fine fisherman with the catch of a lifetime."

    Roper,

    Life goes on, enjoy it...
  14. chadk Be the guide...

    Posts: 5,057
    Snohomish, WA.
    Ratings: +41 / 0
    Fishing can be a very selfish sport\hobby\addiction\obsession. But it doesn't have to be.

    I've been married for 8yrs this summer, and have 3 kids, ages 4, 2, and 1. So my life has changed drastically the last several years. But as those regulars on this board can attest, I still get plenty of fishing in - and my family beats fishing as a priority by a million to 1.

    Here are some things to consider that have helped us a lot:

    It helps (is critical) if you have a healthy, well rounded relationship to begin with. Without that foundation, building any respect and handling friction that will always come will be that much harder.

    Give and take. I was a fisherman going in to the marriage, and while my wife doesn't totally 'get it', she knows and expects it to be part of my life style. I continously encourage her to stay involved in activities\hobbies\interests, then I ensure she has the time set aside to do it. This is CRITICAL, otherwise resentment of your 'free time' will creep in.

    We have a healthy balance of family time, date nights, and personal time. We each understand and respect that the other needs this. We also include 1:1 time with each kid on special 'dates' where we go to dinner or to a movie, or fishing with just 1 kid to get a deeper connection and make them feel special.

    I try to plan my trips in advance and keep most of the trips local and limitted to 1/2 day. I also take advantage of nap times to sneek out for 2-3hrs on saturday or sunday afternoons sometimes. But the key is to ensure your sig. other is doing the same things and you communicate your plans and get them on the calendar early. Alternate weekends or evenings so that one of you stays home with the kids and the other has his\her personal time. Keep an eye on how much personal time you get vs your spouse and try to keep it balanced. Force her to take a 'girls night out' or you take the kids to the park and let her have the house to herself to take a bubble bath and read a book. Take the offensive if she is hesitant to set time aside for herself.

    Anyway, it has been working great for us. We both know that our relationship is our highest priority (aside from our relationship with God....) and the kids come close second. We both feel respected and we don't feel guilty for taking personal time. It really boils down to respect and balance.

    If you aren't at this point and want to be, give it a shot. It may feel awkward at first, and your wife may feel like you are 'bribing' her when you say " how about if you have Thursday night off, and I take Friday night off". But after doing that a few times, she won't mind being 'bribed' in that way. Trust me on this one...
  15. Ron Eagle Elk Active Member

    Posts: 1,741
    Yelm, WA, USA.
    Ratings: +110 / 0
    I guess I just got lucky. My wife watched me fly fishing one day and said she's like to learn someday. That weekend I bought her a Sage Rod, Battenkill reel, SA line and paid for some casting lessons. She is now my best fishing partner. Problems have arisen though, she goes into a fly shop and buys stuff "Because we might need it sometime"; when it's too dark to see and I'm cold, hungry and tired, she wants "just one more cast". That last cast can take a couple of hours. The bonuses are great. I don't have to pack money away for new stuff, she usually buys it for me before I know I want it, and vice versa. We have some great streamside lunches and we spend a lot of days on the river. Life is good.
  16. Old Man Just an Old Man

    Posts: 21,628
    Dillon, Mt
    Ratings: +1,659 / 0
    It's funny that this should come up. Been married for about 30 years and my wife can't stand me being home. I'm retired and have so much time on my hands I don't know what to do with myself. I could fish every day but after a while it gets old going by your lonesome.

    My fishing times are from when I wake up till about 3:00 pm five days a week and two days a week I have 24 hours a day to play. About the only thing that stops me is the price of gas and the places that I like to fsh are not close to home.

    Jim:thumb
  17. KerryS Ignored Member

    Posts: 6,712
    Sedro Woolley, WA, USA.
    Ratings: +1,753 / 0
    A long time ago like around 30 years ago I got married. Whoops. It lasted about 6 months. Reason for divorce; she didn't understnd why I needed to fish or anything else that I needed to do for that matter. Single for the next 25 years. Married now to someone that understands I need to do certain things to stay as close to sanity as I can. That means I fish the weekends and many evenings after work. Moral. Do what you need to do for yourself. Don't waste your time here on earth. It is far to short. You will find someone sooner or, as in my case, later to share your life with. I have no regrets what so ever for spending much of my adult life single.
  18. o mykiss Active Member

    Posts: 1,303
    .
    Ratings: +176 / 0
    Right on, REE. The only way I could make things any better with my wife in terms of her support of my fishing needs is to talk her into taking it up so we could fish some together. My wife got me into flyfishing by exhorting me to go out with my dad and brothers during an extended family get together a few years ago. I didn't want to go, but she thought it was a good idea. Man, am I glad she encouraged me to go. Although I was immediately addicted, she's been supportive of the habit ever since. She recognizes my need to, as someone else has said, "re-create", particularly because I have a very demanding, high-stress, generally long hours job. She has bought me some of my best flyfishing equipment. Every year, she willingly gives me leave to do one extended stillwater trip in the spring, one extended steelhead trip in the fall and a week in Alaska. I fish nearly every weekend in the summer, though I try to minimize it cutting into family time by getting up gawd-awfully early and being back by noon or so. I fish a couple of times a month in fall, winter and spring, barring work getting in the way. Part of why it works though, is because I try to be balanced. Hell, I'd like to fish both days of every weekend every week (in fact, I can sort of relate to Gus Orviston's lifestyle in The River Why) but being part of a family means you have to be . . . part of the family. There are many times when I'd love to bug out for some local stream, but don't even suggest it because I have a pretty good feel for when I'm likely to overstep my wife's gracious support for my habit.
  19. jlange New Member

    Posts: 179
    Renton, WA, USA.
    Ratings: +0 / 0
    I identify with a lot of you, my wife gets pissed sometimes when I spend too much time on fishing (which is not very much). Going to school full time, working full time, and trying to keep up the home doesn't leave much time for fly fishing. At best I probably get out once or twice a month right now. When I was single I used to go almost every week, sometimes more during prime time months. I remember a line from a movie where a father says to his son "Sometimes we can't do the things we want to do in order to do the things we have to do." I identify with that statement a lot in this matter.

    Jason

    Matt. 6:33-34
  20. dheike New Member

    Posts: 194
    .
    Ratings: +0 / 0
    GreenButt,
    Bro I hear you and am really glad you brought this up.
    I am pretty charged right now to have read replies from so many "Men" who declare there love for there wives and confess to doing housework. Peter said it right. "Love your wife with all your heart, soul, mind and strength".

    I get the opportunity to go fishing 2 to 3 times a month but I work hard for it. I.e. I dode on my bride and daughter and put the house before the fly trip. She sees my good deeds and praise my Father in heaven she rewards me with the time to flick flies.

    Anyway, the fact that you are aware of her needs will get you to the water soon enough, her blessing to go feels a lot better than her ticked that you went.

    darrin ><>