Ut's winter an U huf Job's u been puttin of. Tols yu ned, butt dandgurs.

Discussion in 'Spey Clave' started by fredaevans, Nov 19, 2011.

  1. fredaevans

    fredaevans Active Member

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    Tools Explained = U R warned.

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    SON--OF--A--#$@%&#--TOOL <http://us.mc1616.mail.yahoo.com/mc/compose?to=SON--OF--A--#%24%40%&amp;--TOOL> : (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a
    --#$@%&#--!' <http://us.mc1616.mail.yahoo.com/mc/compose?to=--#%24%40%&amp;--%21%27> at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

    Hope you found this informative.
     
  2. Idaho steel

    Idaho steel Active Member

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    Fred, Fred, Fred. As a remodel carpenter and sometime machinist/welder/all around wrench turner, these hit far too close to the truth to be entirely funny.
     
  3. jeff bandy

    jeff bandy Make my day

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    That hurt to read. To many memories.
     
  4. fredaevans

    fredaevans Active Member

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    Guff... it guz's worze: :ray1:


    1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.


    2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.


    3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


    4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

    6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).


    7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.


    8.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


    9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!


    10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


    11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.


    12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


    13.< /b>Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


    14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.


    15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.


    16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

    17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking --A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!


    18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


    19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
     
  5. fredaevans

    fredaevans Active Member

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    I feel your pain. Back in the mid-90's 'retired' for the first time and took up another Degree program (Vineyard Management). Very practical course material, including welding. Only Guy in 'Collage' (pun intended) history (or so I was told) that actually set himself on fire (practicing over-head welding). Caused quite a stir as I was being doused with a fire extinguisher. No Shxt! Turned out the coveralls were not 100% cotton but a blend. Bad Plan A. Cotton will singe, a blend will burn. And I do mean burn.
     
  6. TD

    TD Active Member

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    Working in a fab shop when I was in college I was grinding weld preps on 2-1/2" A36. At break time I headed for my gatorade and one of the senior welders pointed over at me and started laughing his a$$ off. Turned out the sparks had been blasting the belly portion of my fleece sweatshirt and had singed the entire area away.
     
  7. Panhandle

    Panhandle Active Member

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    Fred, do you drink a lot?
     
  8. fredaevans

    fredaevans Active Member

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    No, but I do have more than my share of fun with the key board. ;>)

    From this mornings e-mails: "Fred, that is so "right on", it's amazing. (and that from a master tool user!) ....Bob"