Dear Citori, NFR

Discussion in 'Fly Fishing Forum' started by Citori, Apr 19, 2008.

  1. JS

    JS Active Member

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    Citori-
    I feel that it is long over due that I look into a certain personal problem......you see I have this burning sensation when I urinate. I guess my question is, can you get an std from a polar bear?
    Signed,
    Peters Aburnin
     
  2. Citori

    Citori Piscatorial Engineer

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    Dear Pee Pee boy #2,

    It was only a matter of time before this topic came up. The answer is yes, you can. You can also get it from dirty toilet seats, a variety of farm animals, moldy waders and bad beer. Fortunately for you, burning on urination is a late developing symptom which will be followed closely by atrophy and death of your...private parts. Over the next few days, you can expect to see your wiener and nads turn purple, then black, shrivel and dry up right before they fall off in your hand. At that time, all burning on urination will stop, and you will feel much better.

    Citori
     
  3. JS

    JS Active Member

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    That sucks, oh well I wasn't using it much anyhow. Moldy waders you say? The bear did assure me that it had just been tested, and I did spend a lot of time in my waders this spring on the wet ass OP. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "crotch rot".:rofl:
     
  4. smc

    smc Active Member

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    1 visit to proctologist... $$$$

    Wet waders and other moldy equipment... $$$

    Letter to Dear Citori..... Priceless! :rofl:
     
  5. Citori

    Citori Piscatorial Engineer

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    Dear misdirected,

    If you are seeing a proctologist for your urinary tract symptoms, then you may have a case of rectocranial inversion, in which case moldy waders are the least of your problem. There is hope. There has been a new procedure perfected in recent years, a plexirectomy. You should consult your physician on this condition, and treatment.

    Citori

    Rectocranial inversion, n, rek to kra ne ul in ver shun. When you have your head up your ass.

    Plexirectomy, n, pleks e rek to me. Where they install a plexiglas window below your navel and above your wiener so when you have your head up your ass, you can see where you are going.
     
  6. Dipsnort

    Dipsnort New Member

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    Dear Citori,

    Some say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach but don't you think sometimes it can be much more satisfying hacking your way through the rib cage?:confused:
     
  7. Citori

    Citori Piscatorial Engineer

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    Dear Confused,

    As much as I hate to, I must answer a question with a question. For what purpose is the need to get to a man's heart, and is it a generic "man", or are you referring to a specific "man"?

    If you are a woman, the phrase "...through is stomach" is somewhat disingenuous. We all know the quickest way to a man's heart is through her nether region. It is written that the purpose for pubic hair on a woman is to hide the hook.

    The "for what purpose" question is key here. If there is desire to have a meaningful conversation sometime down the road, the "through the rib cage" alternative will most certainly involve at least one lung which could impair the ability to converse. If, on the other hand, your desire is to simply see what makes it work, then the more direct route would be under the rib cage in front, which is not only quicker, but won't involve rib cutter or rib spreader.

    All things considered, the through the abdominal or chest cavity family of solutions all involve significant time, not to mention messy clean up. While potentially more satisfying, there are other less obvious considerations which make the less direct, but more efficacious method appropriate in most cases.

    If the "man" in question has just broken into your vehicle on the river, and relieved you of your fishing gear, then by all means, the "through the rib cage" method is by far the most desirable. You should then remove the beating organ, insert it in his mouth, and bury the remains in a shallow grave to re-introduce vital nutrients into the ecosystem.

    Good question.

    Citori
     
  8. Dipsnort

    Dipsnort New Member

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    I can assure you that I was speaking in general terms for I am not a gay man. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    Speaking of ribs, let me just say that it's a good thing for women I'm not God because I would probably have taken that rib from Adam and had me a nice little Garden of Eden barbecue instead. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Is there?:confused:
     
  9. Citori

    Citori Piscatorial Engineer

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    Dear Confused,

    Your name says it all. Clearly you have issues that you have been denying, and perhaps are not even aware of on a conscious level. It appears that it is time for you to come out of the closet once and for all and embrace your true feelings. The fact that you selected that phrase to begin your initial post speaks volumes.

    You really must realize who this "man" is and do whatever you need to do to reach his heart.

    While you must endure the short term discomfort of having revealed yourself as a flaming metrosexual in public on this board, you will have the comfort and peace of knowing you will be able to spend the rest of your days with members of your own kind without the unnecessary charade of pretending you are someone other than your true self.

    My best to you. I can refer you to another colleague for appropriate gender confusion counselling if you wish. Also, you may wish to pm Ford Fenders, I hear he has a pink bag you may wish to procure.

    Citori
     
  10. Itchy Dog

    Itchy Dog Some call me Kirk Werner

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    Dear Citori,

    I thought I had a problem, but after your advice (and to some degree your approval of my indiscretion), I decided not to sweat it. Today I found myself pondering the purchase of a new cell phone with browser capabilities so I can take Mingo's avatar with me on the road.

    Thanks for freeing me from the confines of guilt- I feel very liberated, and for the first time in years I feel like singing.

    Wireless Wanker (formerly Virtual Voyeur)
     
  11. Citori

    Citori Piscatorial Engineer

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    Dear Wanker,

    Whoa!!! There was nothing in my response about wanking. Lusting in your heart is one thing, pulling your pud is something entirely different. Loping the mule, as it were, can and will have serious consequences.

    It is a well known fact among fly fishermen and certain other cultures that self abuse is not only harmful in and of itself, but can lead to serious problems down the road. The action of greasing the cue is alien to a confident and smooth casting motion, so you should be prepared for a significant increase in the number of wind knots in your leader as a result. If you are prepared to live with more wind knots, then wank away, but for God's sake, keep it to yourself.

    Geez.

    Citori
     
  12. smc

    smc Active Member

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    Dear Citori;

    Amazing! I must say I certainly have a hole new viewpoint since the procedure, and it's helped my stream craft immeasurably (must be the stealthy profile). Any suggestions re; a good cleaner for the plexiglass?

    I, my prok-tall-o-gist and my yer-all-o-gist are in your debt. Where do we send the 5 cents?. :rofl:
     
  13. dryflylarry

    dryflylarry "Chasing Riseforms"

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    Dear IveofIone,

    I guess I better send you my $.05! Unless Citori objects. That was great advice. Maybe you should partner up with Citori.
     
  14. Nate Dutton

    Nate Dutton I'm a teacher, I fish to eat!

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    Dear Citori,
    I have this friend who may or may not have laid with, ( in the biblical sense) the same female partner as another friend in the same week. We are both fly fishermen which means that we are both too refined to talk about ones cohorts on a regular basis. This being said, would it be considered to risque or grotesque to bring up this topic while at the tying table or the stream? I am not sure how he will take it, the man is a gentleman and a scholar and his good looks are only exceeded by his geneorosity and of course skill with the fly rod. So that is my question for my uhh friend......jim.

    -Less Sleep in Cheney

    P.S. It burns when I pee.....maybe contracted?
     
  15. Dipsnort

    Dipsnort New Member

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    Dear Citori,

    I can assure you that I am not in the closet! Heck, I don't even have any skeletons in their closet. Well, not yet anyway. I mean, the bodies are still decomposing.:eek: