Dear Citori, NFR

Discussion in 'Fly Fishing Forum' started by Citori, Apr 19, 2008.

  1. earlsmith

    earlsmith Member

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    re: the standing b52......

    the sting of sage advice......I will only say that in my own defense......the morning coffee works it's magic on some faster than others.......

    I will defer $.05 of the next exchange to your humble wooden shack...

    Earl
     
  2. Citori

    Citori Piscatorial Engineer

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    Dear Impaired,

    The definition of a bachelor is "a man who never makes the same mistake once." My brother, seriously, don't go there. I don't care how bad things get, there were good reasons for your "current" to become your "ex", and time does not fix anything, it makes it worse. No matter how it looks going in, it isn't going to look that good when you wake up next to it. I will refer you to two previous posts. One from the last of the "Chumugly" thread http://www.washingtonflyfishing.com/board/showthread.php?t=44387&highlight=chumugly

    and the other the exchange between Dr. Citori and Itchy Dog beginning on page 2 of this post. I strongly suggest you take a long hard look at Mingo's avatar, and regale yourself in a lovefest of self abuse. The hope being you will wank yourself back to sanity and happiness.

    You will never know just exactly how close you came...

    Citori
     
  3. Citori

    Citori Piscatorial Engineer

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    Dear Deluded,

    Coffee may work it's magic on your bowels, but it has no effect on your senses... You have issues, my man. You have issues. I have tried it myself, on a few occasions, and have found you can effectively answer the call of nature without opening your eyes once - with proper motivation, which apparently you lack. This does frame the issue quite succinctly. From this exchange, it does appear you may also be a closet flaming metrosexual. Stay away from polar bears, farm animals, moldy waders and bad beer. While I fear there may be no hope for you, you may still be able to keep your misguided nads attached for a while longer.

    Citori
     
  4. Dipsnort

    Dipsnort New Member

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    Dear Citori,

    I am in a little trouble and really have no idea why. It all started when I was rolling down the freeway about 30 over and some lame-o cop tried to pull me over. I rolled down the window and gave him the one-finger salute in an attempt to tell him "you're #1 in my book", but that only seemed to intensify his efforts to stop me.

    Next thing I know he sideswipes me and forces me into the ditch. All the while I'm thinking, hey, when is this guy going to get off his high horse and realize I'm just funnin' with him, so I make a playful grab at his revolver. I guess he just doesn't "get it" because he punches me, throws me to the ground and put on the cuffs. And here I sit in the slammer thinking WTF? :confused:

    I even offered the guard a couple tokes on a doobie and now they're treating me like a red-headed step child. Any advice?:confused:
     
  5. Citori

    Citori Piscatorial Engineer

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    Dear Incarcerated,

    The adage says, "My wife, yes - my dog, maybe - my gun, never"

    You crossed a hard line, my boy. My advice for you is simply this - when you drop your soap in the shower, don't bend over to pick it up.

    Citori
     
  6. Richard Olmstead

    Richard Olmstead BigDog

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    While we're on the subject of names (we were on the subject of names, weren't we?) and sexual innuendo (we were on the subject of sexual innuendo, right?), I'd like to know what happened to the 'l' (as in the letter 'l') in the name of our esteemed counselor. You know, the one that would transform his name into the plural of ...

    Latin scholar
     
  7. Citori

    Citori Piscatorial Engineer

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    Dear Latin,

    A quick google of the name Citori will reveal an image of one of the sweetest little Over Under 12 ga. field guns the Browning company ever produced. While I don't get to use her often, she never fails to bring me pleasure just by looking at her, stroking her and bringing her comb up to my cheek. She rests side by side with my A5, my little .28 ga. Red Label, and my Rugers - No. 1 in 22.250 and my 77/17.

    While your error might be forgiven, I will thank you to speak only with respect when you talk of my Citori.

    In terms of innuendo, (which is not the name of an Italian suppository) "Citori" has every bit of ability to bring intense pleasure as the gem of anatomy to which you obliquely refer.

    Citori
     
  8. PT

    PT Physhicist

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    :thumb:
     
  9. wadin' boot

    wadin' boot Donny, you're out of your element...

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    Ok it's time we outed Dr Phil....Maybe you could fill us in on what really happened between you, Oprah and Stedman...
     
  10. Citori

    Citori Piscatorial Engineer

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    Ah, my friend, it was only a matter of time.

    While you are definitely on the right track, I am most assuredly not the pretender, Dr. Phil. I made the mistake of an ill-advised wager some time ago, and have been condemned to a 5 year stint of ghost writing for that bald pated twit. Now that my period of indenture has run its course, I am relieved of my non-compete, and ready to once again take up the caduceus, albeit a few years wiser, a few years older.

    As for the ill fated trio - again, propriety prevents me going into detail, but suffice it to say there were electrical and battery operated devices, more than one can of crisco, photographs, and refills (yes, plural) of more than one libido enhancing pharmaceutical involved over a period of some 73 hours. This all took place in a dirty little roadside motel about 45 miles from Dr. Phil's home town in a wide spot in a wagon trail called Edna, KS on the weekend of Dr. Phil's high school reunion which he made the grim mistake of attending without spousal accompaniment. A few bottles of beer, a bottle of bad tequila and a late night cell phone call, and the rest is locked in morbid history.

    After animal control was called early that third morning, I don't think Oprah, Phil or Stedman will ever be able to look at each other again. All three left with vacuous expressions of exhaustion and depravity via Edna's one and only taxi service to three different destinations. The taxi driver changed his name to Ive, moved to the northwest where he claims he won the lottery and lives in the woods.

    Stedman, poor Stedman. He yet wakes up screaming and walks the streets at night by himself, mumbling incoherently. Phil still calls Oprah, but she no longer answers, and she has instructed her pilot that he is no longer permitted to even fly her jet over Oklahoma OR Kansas. It has been suggested that Oprah made her connection to Obama through Rev. Wright following an extended "cleansing ritual" whatever that is.

    I have washed my hands of the lot of them, literally.

    Nice of you to ask, though.

    Citori
     
  11. Itchy Dog

    Itchy Dog Some call me Kirk Werner

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    Dear Citorus,

    While I don't have a Browning, I am Lord and Master to a fine Italian lass by the name of Beretta. When you break open your sweet little mistress to insert a new load, do you ever run your finger over the firing pin just to make sure all is well?

    Just curious.

    Over & Under
     
  12. Citori

    Citori Piscatorial Engineer

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    Dear O/U,

    Of course, you already know the answer to that question. Nothing more satisfying to feel her go off with your touch...

    Citori
     
  13. Citori

    Citori Piscatorial Engineer

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    Readers, fans, others,

    That old sonofabitch cancer has taken up residence in my ladyfriend's Dad. He, and a bunch of chemicals are waging a valiant battle, but it is taking a hard toll on him. This is #4 for him. He has survived colon cancer twice, but the chemicals and treatments for those are likely responsible for the cancer he finds in his lymph nodes now. It is supposed to be "curable" but the cure is almost as bad as the disease. So family stuff takes us away for today and the weekend. The Dr. is out...returning in a few short days.

    Make no rash decisions, take no unnecessary risks, drink no bad beer, don't wade deeper than the change in your pocket, and let your waders dry...

    Citori
     
  14. Jim Wallace

    Jim Wallace Smells like low tide.

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    Citori, I hope all goes well with your ladyfriend's dad, and that he makes it thru this bout OK. Sounds like a tough old guy. Somehow, it seems that winners keep on winning. Good luck!
     
  15. Dipsnort

    Dipsnort New Member

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    Not to worry, or so I thought since I had been using that toothpaste with the so-called "maximum cavity protection" religiously. Well let me tell you, that's nothing but marketing BS!!:mad:

    Just a thought. Now that I'm stuck in the "pokey"....wait, I don't like that term anymore...the "slammer"....oh jeez, not sure I like that one either. Ok, now that I'm in jail, would someone please consider sending me a cake with a file it it? 'Cause I really like cake.:D