NFR But Outdoors-Related

Discussion in 'Fly Fishing Forum' started by Jim Ficklin, May 15, 2010.

  1. Jim Ficklin

    Jim Ficklin Genuine Montana Fossil

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    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' .

    We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire area. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
    It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
    Time stood still. The first thing I notice is myjohnson trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece ofcrap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannotpoop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just foul your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together, it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those little chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. “Damn!,” I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
    Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire .... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
    Upon awakening from my electrically-induced coma I realized a few things:
    1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
    2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
    3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
    4 - My left eye will not open.
    5 - My right eye will not close
    6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
    7 - My nuts are still smaller diameter than average yet they each are almost a foot long.
    8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
    That day changed my life. I now have a new-found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
    The good news, is that if a tweeker does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over. I refuse to remove my fence and will continue to mow as soon as I can once again wear regular underwear. I will also remember to triple check the fence before I mow.
     
  2. Split Bamboo

    Split Bamboo Member

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    Thank you for the good read!!
     
  3. Wayne Kohan

    Wayne Kohan fish-ician

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    I fouled myself three times reading it!!!

    Wayne
     
  4. orangeradish

    orangeradish Eyes to the sky...

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    :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
    Classic!
     
  5. jcnewbie

    jcnewbie Member

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    Hilarious!! Even if I do have a certain amount of empathy for ya....reminds me of the story about the guy that bought his wife one of them little AAA powered "Stun-guns" for protection but had to test it out first because he didn't see how one little AAA battery could dole out much of a shock to an attacker....big mistake....and two missing testicles later he's offering a $500.00 reward for each one to anyone finding his testicles!! Very funny story also....:rofl::rofl::rofl:

    Jc
     
  6. Bill Aubrey

    Bill Aubrey Active Member

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    I had a friend who thought his Tri-Tronics dog bark collar wasn't working because his big Lab kept barking. He held it firmly by the contacts and barked loudly a couple of times while holding it up to his face. Awesome. I could swear the dog was laughing. Another time, the same guy decided he could make dog collars if he could simply figure out how they were made. He cut into one with a hacksaw. God, I loved being around him. Could he dance!
     
  7. Blake Harmon

    Blake Harmon Active Member

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  8. Itchy Dog

    Itchy Dog Some call me Kirk Werner

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    That's a good read right there! I can almost smell the unmistakable odor of burning hair.