Quarantine Humor

silvercreek

Active Member
WFF Supporter
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own
meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to ‘’Puerto Backyarda’’. I'm getting tired of ‘’Los Livingroom’’.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under….
 

Old Man

A very Old Man
WFF Supporter
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own
meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to ‘’Puerto Backyarda’’. I'm getting tired of ‘’Los Livingroom’’.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under….
Every time I read this I start laughing. Some of these are real winners.
 

Brian Miller

Be vewy vewy qwiet, I'm hunting Cutthwoat Twout
WFF Supporter
I have a friend working overtime sending out humorous clips...
The Woman Marine Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie," she asked, "do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Syria, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 ISIS troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last ISIS fighter with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
 
Last edited:

tackleman

Active Member
Subject: Health Care Story

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing
an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse
appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me.
Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir.
They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very,
closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"
 

silvercreek

Active Member
WFF Supporter
In the upper midwest we tell tell jokes about Ole, his wife Lena, and Ole's friend Sven, settlers from Norway. Here's one of my favorites.......

Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time.

The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, "Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter."

Ole replied, "What's the bad news?"

The surveyors stated, "Well, after our work here, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in Wisconsin!"

Ole looked at Lena and said, "That's the best news I have heard in a long time. I just told Lena this morning that I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota."
 

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