NFR Quarantine Humor

silvercreek

WFF Supporter
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

And the old man said: "I thought I needed to fart........... but I was wrong."
 

Old Man

A very Old Man
WFF Supporter
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

And the old man said: "I thought I needed to fart........... but I was wrong."
This sounds like me. The oldman part.
 

silvercreek

WFF Supporter
A monkey one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge, and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other monkeys, all free and nibbling on bananas. "Hey," he called. "I'm a monkey from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild monkeys?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried.

The lab monkey trotted over to them and started eating the bananas. They tasted so good.

"What else do you wild monkeys do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist, and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that tree there? It's got papayas growing in it. We eat that as well." The papayas tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild monkeys all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette.
 

silvercreek

WFF Supporter
The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?


What makes these questions so difficult is that everyone is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

I will answer one question each day.


Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Fishing.

b. Tying flies.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you.

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.


Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
 

silvercreek

WFF Supporter
The second question most feared by men is:: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."


Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, s**t loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?
 

bobduck

Whiskey Tastes Best from a TIN CUP
The second question most feared by men is:: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."


Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, s**t loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?
Reminded me of a true story. My wife and I were in a cocktail lounge one evening and there was a young couple at the next table. All of a sudden she stood up and yelled very loudly, You call that a marriage proposal? Shit or get off the pot? She then threw her drink in the very surprised guy's face and stomped out. Proof that one must think about how to say something before speaking.
 

silvercreek

WFF Supporter
The third question most feared by men is: Do I look fat?


The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"


Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
 

silvercreek

WFF Supporter
The fourth question most feared by men is: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
 

silvercreek

WFF Supporter
The final and fifth question most feared by men is: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -


MAN: Oh s**t!
 

silvercreek

WFF Supporter
Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside

"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."

"But, we's privates," says Junior.

"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
 

silvercreek

WFF Supporter
An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was stationed there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she wrote that she had slept with two guys while he has been gone, she wanted to break up and requested that he send back her picture.

The soldier did what any squared away soldier would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."
 

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