NFR Quarantine Humor

bobduck

Whiskey Tastes Best from a TIN CUP
For months and months Sir Galahad wooed the favor of the hand of the Fair Lady Windermere. Finally one evening he talked her into to getting into the sack with him. He said Oh Fair Lady Windermere, am I truly the first man ever to have slept with you? She replied, if you doze off you will be.
 

Rocking Chair Fan

No more hot spotting
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
 

cdnred

Active Member
Rancher's Wife

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'Now, if you EVER wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)
 

silvercreek

WFF Supporter
A Man bought a parrot from the pet store and brought it home.

After he set up the cage and gave the bird food and water the bird started talking. But unfortunately the bird was effortlessly saying a steady stream of swear words and slangs. The bird kept it up non stop for three full days during which the man tried everything to try to quiet down the bird.

Finally the man got so frustrated that he grabbed the bird and threw it into the freezer. The man heard a loud squack and then dead silence. Worried that he might have hurt the poor bird he opened the freezer. Slowly the parrot walked out of the freezer trembling and said to the shocked man "I would like to apologize for my bad behavior and I promise I will be a good bird from now on".

Before the man could ask why the sudden change, the bird asked him "Sir, what did the chicken do?"
 

silvercreek

WFF Supporter
Ollie and Leena got married:

Ollie couldn't afford a real honeymoon so Sven gave Ollie & Leena the week at a Canadian fishing camp that he couldn't use.

Ollie and Leena got on the bus with the other fishermen for the 8 hour ride to the camp. 3 hours into the trip, the bus broke down and a new bus had to be sent. During the wait, Ollie tried to get Leena into the woods for a quickie but Leena wanted to wait until they got to the cabin.

So after a 4 hour wait, the second bus came and Ollie and Leena were on their way. 2 hours later the second bus broke down. By then Ollie was at the bus driver's side helping him to fix the bus so he could get Leena into bed.

Just then Leena came running off the bus and dragged Ollie into the woods where they they consummated the marriage. Afterwards Oliie asked Leena why she changed her mind. Vell, Leena said, the other passengers were saying that by the time we got to Canada, the "EFFING" season would be over!
 

cdnred

Active Member
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him the next morning "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 60 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"

The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box... gifted wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale... Bob has been missing since Friday..!!
 

Old Man

A very Old Man
WFF Supporter
I've been married all most 50 years. I know ours is in the first week of August,. but the day just slips my mind all the time. It's either the 3rd or the 5th of the month.
 

cdnred

Active Member
I've been married all most 50 years. I know ours is in the first week of August,. but the day just slips my mind all the time. It's either the 3rd or the 5th of the month.
You better remember or you might end up missing like Bob. No offense meant just jokin' with ya..
 

cdnred

Active Member
A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, how was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole."

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor."

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: ‘HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!’"

"Tunderin' Lard, Ole, What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!"
 

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