NFR Quarantine Humor

cdnred

Active Member
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'
 

cdnred

Active Member
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
 

silvercreek

WFF Supporter
An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?
 

bobduck

Whiskey Tastes Best from a TIN CUP
After 5 hard hot dusty weeks on the cattle drive, the cowboy finally gets into town whereupon the first things he does is get a bath, a bottle of whiskey and directions to the nearest whorehouse. The gal he ends up with turns out to a beautiful charming intelligent woman. He asks, How is it a beautiful charming intelligent woman like you ends up in the whoring business? She says Just lucky I reckon.
 

cdnred

Active Member
How I Learned To Mind My Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting “13.. 13.. 13..”.

The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked thru to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all starting shouting “14.. 14.. 14..”
 

silvercreek

WFF Supporter
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
 

cdnred

Active Member
Johnny moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Johnny replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Johnny said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?

Johnny said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Johnny said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Johnny and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'

Johnny said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Johnny said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
 

silvercreek

WFF Supporter
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a goddamn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up. Damn it. I said I want to open a goddamn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my goddamn money in the goddamn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
 

Old Man

A very Old Man
WFF Supporter
Johnny moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Johnny replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Johnny said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?

Johnny said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Johnny said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Johnny and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'

Johnny said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Johnny said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
I see that Johnny sucks in math. 2X500 is 1000 not 900
 
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