Quarantine Humor

David Loy

Senior Moment
Two City workers are taking a break when one notices a snail approaching the other. “Hey Bob, look at that snail.” Bob looks down and steps on the snail. “What did you do that for?” “Little shit’s been following me all day.”
 

silvercreek

Active Member
WFF Supporter
An ugly woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
 

silvercreek

Active Member
WFF Supporter
A Senator went into a Washington DC bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the Senator asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The Senator responded, "Let me take a look."

So the drunk handed it over and the Senator rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"
 

silvercreek

Active Member
WFF Supporter
There was this guy, let's call him Bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"
 

Jim Ficklin

Genuine Montana Fossil
I was feverishly packing for a business trip one evening. My Daughter, 3 at the time sat on the bed pleading "Daddy, play with me!" "I will, Bug as soon as I'm done here." She continued, "Please Daddy?" I zoomed over to her, grabbed her hand and said "Daddy's gonna eat your finger!" - at which she giggled and I resumed my packing. After a moment she asked: "Daddy . . . where did my booger go?"
 

_WW_

Geriatric Skagit Swinger
WFF Supporter
Seen this on the sign at the Potato Shed:
"If you see me talking to myself, I'm just having a parent-teacher conference."
 
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Matt B

...
WFF Supporter
I was feverishly packing for a business trip one evening. My Daughter, 3 at the time sat on the bed pleading "Daddy, play with me!" "I will, Bug as soon as I'm done here." She continued, "Please Daddy?" I zoomed over to her, grabbed her hand and said "Daddy's gonna eat your finger!" - at which she giggled and I resumed my packing. After a moment she asked: "Daddy . . . where did my booger go?"
My son was in the bath and held up his finger and said, “Daddy, what’s this?” I wiped a bit of nondescript goo from his finger and examined it and asked, “I don’t know, where did you find it?” His response: “It came from my butt!”
 

David Loy

Senior Moment
“This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.”

So, Stonefish dies suddenly from an unknown virus and met St Peter at the Pearly Gate. “Hello Brian, I’d like you to meet Zelda. She will be your mate for all eternity.” Zelda is hideous, and immediately starts harping on Brian for all he has done, and plenty that he hasn’t. Accepting his fate they pair off, and he endures his never ceasing agony for a few days. But eventually he sees his old friend Swimmy, arm in arm with Scarlet Johanson. He can’t take it anymore and finds St Peter. “St Peter, I’m sorry to complain, but why did you choose such a terrible mate for me, when I see my old friend with a beautiful woman.” “Well Brian, do you remember when you were 12 and you threw that rock and killed that bird?” “Well, yes.” “OK then, this is your penitence.” “ But St Peter, I don’t understand. I see my old friend Swimmy with his gorgeous mate Scarlet. Why?”. “Well Brian, Scarlet also once killed a bird...”
 

silvercreek

Active Member
WFF Supporter
A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are c**ksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is understandably silent.

He, then, chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherf**kers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!"
 

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