Quarantine Humor

Albula

swollen member
A balding, white haired “experienced” man walked into a jewelry store Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to the back room and brought out another ring in a velvet case. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000’ the jeweler said. ‘It’s the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you’ll need to verify my account with the bank, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday morning; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account!’
'’I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend……”
 

silvercreek

Active Member
WFF Supporter
Ollie and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Ollie says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
 

Old Man

A very Old Man
WFF Supporter
Sometimes the jokes on here are funny and sometimes when you read them they just lay there.:rolleyes:
 

silvercreek

Active Member
WFF Supporter
My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no apparent reason.

Why just the other day, she got mad when she announced that she was going to the beauty parlor.

I asked, "are you going in for an estimate or are you going to get the work done?"
 

silvercreek

Active Member
WFF Supporter
Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."
 

East Coaster

Active Member
As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "George, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-90. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said George, "It's not just one car. It's dozens of them!"
 

silvercreek

Active Member
WFF Supporter
An elderly gentleman of 95 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country,

I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
 

silvercreek

Active Member
WFF Supporter
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome."

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
 

cdnred

Active Member
Meant more for what a woman would say...

I'm never lonely because I have four men in my life.
I get up with Charlie Horse.
I spend the day with Arthur Itis.
I dine with Will Power.
Then I go to bed with Ben Gay.
 

silvercreek

Active Member
WFF Supporter
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman asks, " Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid," said the woman. The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.

The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "He is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."

The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid asks, "What will I have to do?"

The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there is no pool here."

After a long pause, the woman says, "Is this 555-555-4321?"
 

silvercreek

Active Member
WFF Supporter
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?".

With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
 

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