A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on fishing tackle at a fly shop instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't been fishing in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling and fishing.
A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold. If he does, you're finished"; the Redneck nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then, a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."
An elderly physician, Doctor Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 -- if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box #22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh! -- This is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box #22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that's gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young, having lost $1,000, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so here's your $1,000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
ENJOY YOUR DAY AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
P .S.: Written in large print for Old Geezers like us!
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
‘I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!’
The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: ’I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!’
The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, ‘I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!’
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and looks him square in the eyes and says………………..