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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Fellow Sportsmen,

First off, I’d like to dispel the rumor/suggestion of any conflict between myself and another card-carrying member of WFF, Bob Lawless. It’s just not true. The fact is Bob is a hero of mine. As he should be to all of us, because I believe, that he was the first one to bravely confront a mounting crisis that now threatens us: Abnormally overweight and intellectually super-human trout.

I have ample reason to believe that Wilbur, “The Dangerous Brown of Wyoming” is in fact related and perhaps in direct kinship with the Salmo Horribilis sub-species of triploid-brained trout now infesting the waters of Rocky Ford Creek here in Washington.

Indeed, thus far this pod of Washingtonian Bad Trout have succeeded in tricking me with a piece of cheese, hijacking my ’91 Ford Ranger and tossing a brick through my living-room window. And, as we speak are in the process of trying to kill me.

With that in mind, I’d like to offer some survival tips, should any of you encounter a Bad Trout.

First of all, stay alert to “sign” of these creatures which may include:

• A lingering smell of liver pellets.
• Empty Bud longneck bottles
• Conspicuous Slime Trails (CSTs)
• General dampness in areas which should otherwise be dry such as: Your living-room couch, the interior of your truck, television remote control, etc.
• Clumps of wet, green kelp in unusual locations.
• The sound of labored, SCUBA-assisted breathing.
• Lumpy shadows scooting past your windows late at night.
• Overfilled bathtubs
• Missing cheese

Now, some thoughts on the rules of engagement:

1. Stay Alert
If you notice any of the telltale signs as indicated above, leave the area immediately, call 911 repeatedly, and make a post here on Washington Fly Fishing.

2. Carry a Heavy-Duty MagLite
Flashing a bright light may mesmerize or temporarily blind an aggressive and/or steadily advancing trout.

3. Don’t Panic
If the power to your home is suddenly cut, move your family to a dry area, preferably the attic. Then lay down a perimeter of newspaper and/or absorbent paper towels to hold the trout at bay.

4. Stay Low
All trout have a 167-degree window of vision—even very large, super-intelligent trout. Crouch down low to stay out of sight and remain behind them in the fish's blind spot until you can either a) Hail a taxi and escape to freedom) b) Sneak up close enough to club it with your MagLite.

5. Resist Temptation
The trout may attempt to lure you with attractive and/or shiny objects such as whiskey, loose change, loose women and various finger foods. Do not fall for these cunning ruses! Ask questions. If, for example, you stumble upon a perfectly good piece of cheese lying in the desert, and no one else is in sight, it’s probably a trap. Back away and execute Rule of Engagement #1 (see above.)

6. Create a Distraction
If you are confronted in a bar, you could attempt to start a brawl and escape in the ensuing chaos. High-pitched sounds have been shown to deter some Bad Trout. However, I would not recommend shrieking like a German school girl unless all your other options have been exhausted.

7. Trust No One!
Bad Trout could be anywhere. As noted, they are tracking activity on this very Bulletin Board. They are master of disguises. Whenever you meet someone new, inspect their pants for kelp clumps and/or CSTs.

8. If Captured
Do not give them any information. In the case of this contingency, it is always a good idea to carry a fake PETA membership card. Also, make sure to swallow your fishing license. Do not make impolite comments about any trout’s weight.

9. And lastly: Don’t Go to Rocky Ford Creek!

Good luck, fellow sportsmen. Stay strong and stay tuned.

T.S. Duke

· Registered
2,866 Posts
Though it's really not my place, I'd like to welcome you to this fun and informative, maybe even historic, web site. And I want to thank you for your kind words and good thoughts.
I am so weary, so old, so down-trodden, so feeble and so weak that I can scarcely raise my head sufficently high to read your words of warning of these genetic catastrophies, these organisms that were once trout.
God speed to you! I will fill in where I can in your struggle. I will probably fill in a six foot deep hole, but, then, any little bit of help is always something, no matter how pathetic.
What with the WAR! The new virus which is being targeted specifically at me! The entire Islamic world (read over one billion souls here)on my ass! The eternal footman, holding my coat, motioning me into the very blackest of carriages! Excuse me if I don't get as alarmed as I should... I mean, like, what else is new these days?
But I will do what I can to help you, meaningless and trivial though that help might be.

· Registered
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for the welcome, and thanks for lending your support to the cause! Let me know when you've resumed the assault on Wilbur. I'd like to join on as a cook, or maybe a street tough...

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