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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
"It is not death I fear; it is the dying." John Milton

My last story which you may wish to read is on the "articles" page and gives tips on how to deal with ol' Grizz. when fishing. I have received hundreds of calls as a result of this story from angry bears who claim I have put them in a very bad light and they are going to file a class action law suit against me, Chris and everyone else who has or has had anything to do with this site. This could be deep pockets. My lawyers (yes, I did use the plural because I retain about two dozen) have advised me to arrange a meeting with the bears to see if maybe a compromise might be worked out. I have arranged a meeting as instructed. It will be held in Bella Coola. B.C. in a large cave out in back of the C.of E. Church. The time has not yet been arranged but they want action now. I am not certain where this will all end up, but be aware that I am doing everything within my power to get us off the hook, so to speak. I may need large financial contributions to fund my travel and hotel, guides, food, clothing, retirement and benefits package, and other necessary reimbursable expenses. I will keep you posted. :pROFESSOR
BOBLAWLESS
 

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Boblawless,

Why don't you feed the lawers to the bears. Just put little bells on their briefcases and pepper spray on their supenas. As a contribution to your cause, my collection of tinkling, tintabulating bells has been sent to Chris.

Bart
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Well said. You don't just send your forces here and there frivilously. So I have decided to go this alone, a fearless, solitary representative of the human species to talk with the "horribilus" animals. I am refreshing my bear speak as I write and should be ready to leave for Bella Coola in the morning. All expenses will be caredfully documented and receipts kept for reimbursment by the members unless I do not return alive. In which case, some sort of memmorial, I suspect, should be constructed for my final resting place. Possibly the purchase of a small island in the San Juans and named after me would be the most apprpiate.
BOBLAWLESS :DUNNO :DUNNO
 

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Just an Old Man
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What do I know---I'm just an old man

This has nothing to do with bears,but I thought this would be a good place to put it. I could of sure used one of your portable cabins today as where I was fishing at today I sure would of liked to come inside today to just get out of the rain a little. But I have to ask one question,is your cardboard or something or other cabin waterproof. As it didn't just rain a litte today it just poured.

Jim
 

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North Bend, WA
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Bob,

From my sources I have received information that the Canadian Government is preparing to back the bears. Thermal sat imagery detected plums at forts, ports and industrial plants throughout the region. The CIA has found key military figures meeting daily, major troop movement, whole naval groups under steam and their air force conducting "training missions".

http://www.washingtonflyfishing.com/dc/user_files/236.gif

The bears, I'm certain not to your knowledge, have already begun celebrating the countries support. Again, the CIA was able to confirm this response during night time surveillance of a group of bears thought to be hibernating.

http://www.washingtonflyfishing.com/dc/user_files/234.gif

Our support for you Bob will not waiver. Now though more then ever we must plan carefully.

Chris
 

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I knew it was true all along! I didn't want to say anything in fear of persecution. Thanks Chris for verifying my delusions.

-Sparse

Streams are made for the wise man to contemplate and fools to pass by.
(Sir Izaak Walton)
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Sorry Jim, but at the low price offered for this complete cabin, I'm afraid we can't afford to waterproof anything. Use it only in sunlight. Keep out of the rain, that sort of thing. Maybe a tarp over the whole thing? :DUNNO
BOBLAWLESS
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I am calling for calm!
I am calling for a complete moratorium on all hostile activity.
I am calling for the Canadian government to butt out!

I have received a memo from the Northern Hemisphere Alliance of Bears and Liberation Front (NHABLF). Here are their demands:
1. Only BOBLAWLESS may represent the human species,"**** Sapiens."
2. He may be allowed one assistant fly fisherman to fulfill all those jobs normally done by a fly fisherman assistant.
3. No guns.
4. No loud shouting, spitting, or other non-gentlemanly behavior.
5. No dogs.
6. No parrots.

I have wired the following: NUTS! Demands number five (#5) and number six (#6) are totally unacceptable.

If the Canadian government continues to react to my bear posting in this most outrageous and obscene manner, I will be forced to notify the Jefferson County Sheriff's Department (JCSD) for proper action.
I hesitate to use this alternative to a peaceful resolution of this conflict, but I feel I have no other choice. JCSD has 9 men, two vans, six cars and numerous weapons. I don't report this to frighten;
I only say this to issue a stern warning for caution in this matter. It could be very explosive. :REALLYMAD
BOBLAWLESS
 

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What do I know---I'm just an old man

Bob,I was going to offer my services as your assistant but after seeing your rules I don't fit no.4 As I shout,Spit and scratch my self when ever I itch as I don't care where I'm at.

Jim
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thanks, Jim, for your kind offer to be the assistant flyfisherman.

I have received hundreds of private e-mails asking for this job. But, unfortunately, none of them is qualified to hold the post. Therefore, I have elected to close out this position in order to save the Forum additional money. Thus, the benefits, the salary, the slow economy, and lowered incomes have forced this move. As for myself, I have volunteered to forego a cost of living increase, and thus I will remain at my usual $136,710.14 for at least one year. I have made this sacrifice in order to show the members that I am true of heart, not greedy, and wish no fame or fortune for myself.

As to the Canadian Treaty Meeting Between the Bears and Humans (CTMBBH), we have received some disturbing news which the membership should consider carefully and to which it should offer advise and leadership:
The bears will be represented as folows:

1. The Chairanimal will be Petrobokovs Smith. I have asked if I can just call him Pete. (Agreed) I asked why the Russian Bears were invloved in this since most of our fly fisherman do not fish in Russia
He said only his mother was Russian; his father was Ivan Smith, shot by the Russian Army for no good reason and is now a martyr in this war against humans. His mother died during his birth due to the lack of any medical help and poor nutrition, plus she smoked and drank heavily. Pete said he had popular support and it would be unwise to de-throne him at this time. (Agreed)

2. Fast Fatty: A Kermode bear who has a very nasty disposition because his eyes have been injured by the thousands of flash bulbs popping off in his face all of the time. He knows he is rare but does not think this should be held against him. He has come to the conference in the hope that National Geographics and others will leave him alone. (Agree)

3. Dirty Al: Dirty Al is from the Alaskan Peninsula. He brags that he has eaten several humans, but he might stop if some sort of treaty could be arranged. He wants a pension or at least a bonus if he signs the treaty. He thinks it's wrong to shoot at him for no good reason. (Agree).

4. Sal Smellman: Sal wants something done about people freaking out everytime they see him. Their running, shouting, cursing, and noisy behavior is disturbing to the atmosphere of the forest. If humans could be more polite, less hostile, more sensitive, then maybe he might be willing to sign the treaty. He wants to a part of all this. (Agree). ( I think we can work with Sal. By the way, Sal is short for Salmon. His legal name is Salmon Smellman).

5. Filthy Shirley: From the Deena River drainage area, Shirley is the most hostile of the group. She seeths with hatred. Claims that it is because of humans, and humans alone, that she has not been able to reach the full level of her ability. She hates the other bears as well. She will be difficult. Very annoying habit of clacking her teeth all of the time. Fetid breath.

6. Huey the Huge. Huey is a Polar Bear and was invited to represent all those bears living north of the Arctic Circle. He has eaten countless humans (mosty Inuit peoples) and he has a particular hatred for fly fisherman because of their love of Polar Bear hair in making their flies. He is willing to be cool if people will stop buzzing him from planes and if the Inuit will stop taking pot shots at him. He has offered to save any hair left over from his spring molt to give to a charity for resale to fly tyers. (I think we can work with Huey). Larger than any of the other bears, he will have to have a special chair built just for him. While very sour, his attitude seems to be the best of the bunch.

7. The Black and Brown brothers have been invited to represent all the black bears in the far North. While black and brown, they are twins from a mother who was black and a father who was brown. While there are two of them, they only get one vote because black bears are so much smaller than grizzlies. They have a bad case of small man syndrome and are always seen walking about and kicking at stuff.
They may be too difficult to work with at this time.

So things seem to be moving smoothly. We have recessed for several days in order to do some sustinence fishing. I have a guide for the morning (Sal), and we will fish the Atnarko River at the mouth where it joins the Bella Coola. Naturally, my dearest and only friends, I will give you a full, detailed, accurate report. Wish you were here.
:HAPPY :HAPPY
In the next post, I will outline the disturbing news previously mentioned.
 

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Mr. Lawless
My experience has never placed me in the presence of any bears while fishin'. However, Many years ago a friend gave me what seems like good advice. He said never deal with bears alone, carry a pistol, and if the bears attack shoot your assistant in the knee and run like hell. :THUMBSUP :HAPPY :THUMBSUP
I was recently told of a fella who refused to believe in God. He was fishn on Alaska and a bear attacked him . He told God that he didn't believe in him but he wished the bear did. When he looked up he saw the bear saying grace
The fly rod from N.J.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I'll add that one to my list of things to do in my story, "When the Big Bad Bear Comes." And hey, we are all friends here. Please don't make me feel old by calling me Mr. Lawless. Bob's just fine, thanks.
BOBLAWLESS :THUMBSUP
 

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Well geewillerkers Mr. lawless such a witty and talented person such as yerself deserves respect I will do my best to call you Bob but when ya go ta Canada you tell them bar's that you are Mr. lawless :THUMBSUP
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
As to the fishing report from the Atnarko River, it was a wonderful day. My guide, Sal, didn't turn out to be much of a guide as he only got one. Claimed he couldn't see as well as he used to and that his teeth were no longer as sharp. Always excuses.
The bears got a fish each except the black bear brothers; they got one and had to divide it in half after a long fight. Scrappy little buggers.
I got seven, including a 19 lb. buck, mint bright with only a trace of red stripe. Fine fish indeed. There are no hatchery fish here so everything weighed over ten pounds. The average was about 15 lbs.
I used the spey flies my new buddy gave me and they worked like a charm, especially the one that was of his own design, a dark purple hackle with a black body and silver tinsel and a black hair wing tied on a #2 Bartleet hook. It held up fish after fish.
Finally the rain drove us off the river and back to the cave behind the church where we resumed our meeting. I made our demands:
1. No eating of fly fishepersons.
2. No maiming or mutilation of the above.
3. Keep clear of good holding areas. (we might have to sacrifice this one but you always start out a little high and then come down).
4. No trashing camp sites or tearing seat covers out of vehicles.
5. No jumping out of the brush with a blood curtling roar.
6. Offer advice as to where to fish, flies to use, etc.
7. Be courteous at all times.
The bears adjourned for a discussion of our demands. I was not invited and had to sit alone with Oleander and Smolt who said they were sick of my weak ways and howcome I just didn't pound the table and give them a what for. I asked for their patience. :AA
 

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NEWS FLASH

This just in. Osalmon bear Laden has been sighted wandering near the Canadian border. The motivation behind bear Laden's activity is unclear. Mr. Bob Lawless was sought for the use of his expertise in interpretting the significance of this matter. However, he has been unavailable for comment. Calls to his office are repeatedly turned down by one of Bob's staff members who would only identify himself by the single name "Smolt". The mystery deepened when "Smolt" could not (or would not) confirm Bob's location or even whether or not Bob was OK. Concerned Bob watchers are waiting with "baited" breath for any details as to his whereabouts and health!
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Rest assured, everyone, that I am on top of this one. No flies on me whatsoever but maybe a few on smolt and a few more on Oleander. They have been sprayed with the most hazzardous and environmentally unfriendly chemicals known to man, yet the flies persist. But we have no time for flies. Good Gad the forest is swarming with bears, the Canadian government is thoroughly upset and moving in with their military, the hated and much feared Osalmon bear Laden is running amuck causing good God knows how many problems to fly fishers, and I'm waiting alone in a dark and damp bear cave for word from a group of bears who have been instructed by me to meet the demands of this Forum's members. And you think I've got time for flies???
So, to deal with all this I have made the folowing moves:
1. Get a new high tech. fly swatter.
2. Get tough with the bears.
3. Tell the Canadian government that unless they withdraw all their forces from the Bella Coola area, that I will be forced to call the Jefferson County Sheriffs' Deptartment on the business line. And that if all their hostilities still continue, I will be forced to use 911. The Sheriff and his men are just spoiling for a fight! They have lined up a couple of sport boats should an invasion of Canada be necessary.
4. Osalmon bear Laden has been put on every hunter's hit list. Turn in his body, dead or alive, and you will get a free hunting license for next year. Hunter's have been shooting into every cave opening just to check to see if he's in there. Several bears and a few hermits have been killed. Sorry, but collateral damage is unavoidable.
Note to members: if anyone sees anything or hears anything, report it at once to this thread. Your fabled "Secret Committee," (SC) will process your info. and order out the necesasary actions to be taken.
These are hard times. We must all buckle down. We must fight!

5. I have requested that the bear's in my cave respond within thirty minutes.
P.S. Just as a foot note, Bob Lawless is alive and petrified in Bella Coola, B.C. Don't count him out just yet! BOBLAWLESS

:REALLYMAD :REALLYMAD
 

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HE'S ALIVE!

Word on the stream is that Bob Lawless is organizing his forces at the Jefferson Co. Sheriff's Department for an all out invasion of Canada. Bob if you receive this can any of us enlist with you to help out in this noble cause? I have a float tube and I'm not afraid to use it! Please feel free to add me to your armada of sports boats!
 

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If you're successfully in this interspecies diplomatic/military action, would you kindly and expeditiously consider snakes next?
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
It warms my heart in this cold and bitter place to hear of messages of enlistment on the home front. Messages of your type are, in fact, the life blood of this cause. Without the homefront, without a major serge of Americans northward to aid in this cause, I should think that all is lost, fishermen will be eaten, the life of a bear will stink.

I am so thrilled by this unseen show of support, by the honor invested in me by the head global dude, I appoint you commander of the inter-tube fleet for the Northwest. All commandoes, those guys in every lake that seriously believe they are going to get something, those tubeman, arranged in a little circle, are to report to you immediately, giving the readiness of their equipment, and their ability to move out without thinking, and join our forces in the Far North wherever, whatever, whenever, however, whyever and flyever.:)
 
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