[KerryS]

This was posted up on another fly fishing board. Probably not appropriate for this board but there are a few of us around here that may find this a good seasonal read.

http://www.probus.org.za/Attachments/A Christmas Story.pdf

 

[jessejames]

Thanks Kerry.
Puts it all in to perspective.
Merry Christmas.
Jesse

 

[papafsh]

That was about as good a Christmas story as one could ask for, well, other than the original that is.

Thanks for sharing it with us heathens Kerry.

Merry Christmas.


LB

 

[wadin' boot]

Oh good god Kerry I just suppressed a small bubble of vomit.

This sounds like a poor, lazy, ripoff of a a Vance Randolph Ozark Folktale (which incidentally I recommend very highly as an X-mas gift) : http://www.amazon.com/Pissing-Snow-Other-Ozark-Folktales/dp/0252013646

The reason Vance Randolph is similar:

gunny sacks
widows
spindle-assed kids
Papy
Bible
Preacher Man
Cords of Wood
Chore haters
Rifle lovers

The reason why Vance Randolphs tales are better?

1- they are collected, verified jokes about preacher men, spindle-assed kids, widows, adultery, charlatans and fishin'
2- They are VERY funny and use the historical vernacular of the time
3- This is funny because it is Snuggy cheesy, and meant to be taken seriously and, get this...It is taken seriously (plug this quote into google and see how many hits this story has in various web forums: "Little Jakey just had gunny sacks wrapped around his feet when he was out in the wood-pile this morning.")

So why am I "literally" gagging on this here hog-jowl?

This hokey pile of corn-pone uses names like "Matt" and "Jakey" which are straight out of this century. Other things that suggest to me that it is BS:

"Little Jakey was out digging around in the woodpile trying to find a few chips."

Why would the shoeless urchin be digging around in a presumably snowy (they use a sled to drag this crap to Widow Jenson's) woodpile looking for chips to burn if he was in fact in a ...wait for it.......woodpile?)

Or this little chestnut:

"When we had exchanged the sideboards Pa went into the woodshed and came out
with an armload of wood---the wood I'd spent all summer hauling down from the
mountain"

Fuck me! All summer for an armful of wood makes Matt a lay-about good fer nothin' ...boy... fetch me Papy's hickory switch...

Or this hunk of hand-churned cheese:

"In my mind I kept seeing those three kids huddled around the fireplace
and their mother standing there with tears running down her cheeks and
so much gratitude in her heart that she couldn't speak. My heart
swelled within me and a joy filled my soul that I'd never known before. I
had given at Christmas many times before, but never when it had made
so much difference.
I could see we were literally saving the lives of these people"

Up until about 1980, or dumbfuck sitcoms, people did not say crap like "I could see we were literally..." or use psychobabble like "in my mind". Nor were hardy stock prone to such emotional incontinence, or hanging around a "fireplace" when a stove would have been way more functional, cheaper, and more appropriate.... People are crying like sunup ain't ever gonna come in this tale...not only that people are crying all over web forums (see the comments from some of the pages from the web search)

So for the sweet love of all that is good and true, pick up Vance Randolph and read some really good period pieces that are intentionally funny and inspirational...

See you up Creek Nation...

Wadin' ham smokin', wood stackin', bible thumpin' , candy lovin' , Pa Obeyin' , Rock Salt Shootin' , Curd-eatin' , sideboard hangin', Moonshinin', Pie Stealin' , Jenkin Hornin' Boot

Here's a little snippet of Vance Randolph:

And when the pants tore loose, the girl seen Jenkin-Horn sticking out between the preacher's legs. "There it is" she hollered. "You old thief, you've got ...

 

[Loteck Joe]

Thanks Kerry,
I for one thought that was a great Christmas Story. It reminded me of the times when I was able to be on the giving end of the transaction. Don't pay any attention to wadinboot. Even Scrooge eventually had a change of heart.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOURS

 

[KerryS]

Hey Joe, Boot is just givin us a good ol' fashioned critique and perhaps learnin' us up on some literary shit. Nothing wrong with that. But come on WB get into the spirit and give us one of your own heartwarming Christmas story or put up some more of Randolphs' tales. I am no literary expert and have nothing against learning what makes up a good story.

 

[Guest]

Oh good god Kerry I just suppressed a small bubble of vomit.

This sounds like a poor, lazy, ripoff of a a Vance Randolph Ozark Folktale (which incidentally I recommend very highly as an X-mas gift) : http://www.amazon.com/Pissing-Snow-Other-Ozark-Folktales/dp/0252013646

The reason Vance Randolph is similar:

gunny sacks
widows
spindle-assed kids
Papy
Bible
Preacher Man
Cords of Wood
Chore haters
Rifle lovers

The reason why Vance Randolphs tales are better?

1- they are collected, verified jokes about preacher men, spindle-assed kids, widows, adultery, charlatans and fishin'
2- They are VERY funny and use the historical vernacular of the time
3- This is funny because it is Snuggy cheesy, and meant to be taken seriously and, get this...It is taken seriously (plug this quote into google and see how many hits this story has in various web forums: "Little Jakey just had gunny sacks wrapped around his feet when he was out in the wood-pile this morning.")

So why am I "literally" gagging on this here hog-jowl?

This hokey pile of corn-pone uses names like "Matt" and "Jakey" which are straight out of this century. Other things that suggest to me that it is BS:

"Little Jakey was out digging around in the woodpile trying to find a few chips."

Why would the shoeless urchin be digging around in a presumably snowy (they use a sled to drag this crap to Widow Jenson's) woodpile looking for chips to burn if he was in fact in a ...wait for it.......woodpile?)

Or this little chestnut:

"When we had exchanged the sideboards Pa went into the woodshed and came out
with an armload of wood---the wood I'd spent all summer hauling down from the
mountain"

Fuck me! All summer for an armful of wood makes Matt a lay-about good fer nothin' ...boy... fetch me Papy's hickory switch...

Or this hunk of hand-churned cheese:

"In my mind I kept seeing those three kids huddled around the fireplace
and their mother standing there with tears running down her cheeks and
so much gratitude in her heart that she couldn't speak. My heart
swelled within me and a joy filled my soul that I'd never known before. I
had given at Christmas many times before, but never when it had made
so much difference.
I could see we were literally saving the lives of these people"

Up until about 1980, or dumbfuck sitcoms, people did not say crap like "I could see we were literally..." or use psychobabble like "in my mind". Nor were hardy stock prone to such emotional incontinence, or hanging around a "fireplace" when a stove would have been way more functional, cheaper, and more appropriate.... People are crying like sunup ain't ever gonna come in this tale...not only that people are crying all over web forums (see the comments from some of the pages from the web search)

So for the sweet love of all that is good and true, pick up Vance Randolph and read some really good period pieces that are intentionally funny and inspirational...

See you up Creek Nation...

Wadin' ham smokin', wood stackin', bible thumpin' , candy lovin' , Pa Obeyin' , Rock Salt Shootin' , Curd-eatin' , sideboard hangin', Moonshinin', Pie Stealin' , Jenkin Hornin' Boot

Here's a little snippet of Vance Randolph:

And when the pants tore loose, the girl seen Jenkin-Horn sticking out between the preacher's legs. "There it is" she hollered. "You old thief, you've got ...

Rough day at work Boot...?

 

[Annie Rutherford]

Kerry I thought your story was thoughtful. I even printed it out to share it with others. One of the things I like about this forum is the generosity of the membership. For example the guy that had his rod stolen on the OP, several of you got together and donated equipment you probably weren’t using any way. Now if that isn’t Christmas spirit I don’t know what is. So you know the old saying, if you don’t have any thing nice to say don’t say anything at all. Those of you that donated to help that poor guy, nice job that was stunning.

Hope every one has a great Christmas even you Mr. Boot.

 

[Bob Jones]

Great story thanks forshareing good things do happpen and good people are out there. MERRY CHRISTMAS to all of you and your loved ones. Bob and Pat

 

[Steelheader69]

Unfortunately Boot is correct on his critique. This is actually an old email that used to float around every Xmas on the net. I think I got this variation about 15 years ago or so. But being a kid who grew up poor and had to live on wood heat, can agree this kid was LAZY! LOL. Especially since back then they had a heat stove and a cook stove that both worked off wood. So you would've had to cut up smaller cuts to put into the firebox for the cookstove, then of course your bigger cuts for your airtight stove (which was prefered back then, fireplaces were for the rich, at least in the areas my family homesteaded in Nebraska and Minnesota). Never saw one fireplace in any of the old homesteads (which most are still in existence in my family back in those two states). Maybe if it was an old cabin, one room thing then a fireplace may work. But you only got a taste of the heat, rest went up the fluh. But I know I had to cut and stack at least 5 cords of wood just for our house each summer. We didn't have electric heat, just wood stove but had an electric oven/stove for cooking. So would've used less wood (and we had a smaller 2 bed 1 bath house growing up). And the way they spoke and such in the story was off mark.


But overall, was a touching story. Shows the Christmas spirit and how it should be. Working at UPS for 21 years, I've grown to hate Christmas. And it was my favorite holiday growing up. My hatred doesn't come from the job, and working late hours. It's the mentality of the people I've met over the years and how they act. Each year getting worse, and the mentality that it's always me, Me, ME! Last Christmas was the worst with the heavy snow and packages being delayed. The WORST came out of people instead of the best this time of year. Instead of thanks for me trudging through roads I should NEVER have driven down to make a delivery since I knew it was a Christmas gift, I got attitude and anger because their other gifts were delayed because of the snow. Mind you, I had almost NO packages not delivered last year that were on my package car. I walked alot of stuff in, and worked up until my DOT hours expired (and yes, alot of drivers didn't do that, but alot of us who are all about the customers did). So nice to see a story that shows the true "reason for the season". For me, it's making those deliveries were the child comes to the door and I bring a box that says "Don't open til Xmas" on it and watching their eyes light up. Makes it worthwhile for me. Would be nice to have more stories like this, especially if they were true.

 

[wadin' boot]

Hey Joe, Boot is just givin us a good ol' fashioned critique and perhaps learnin' us up on some literary shit. Nothing wrong with that. But come on WB get into the spirit and give us one of your own heartwarming Christmas story or put up some more of Randolphs' tales. I am no literary expert and have nothing against learning what makes up a good story.

Kerry- I'm Working on a story...in the meantime...Check out some Vance Randolph on google books: http://books.google.com/books?id=CG...&cd=1&source=gbs_ViewAPI#v=onepage&q=&f=false
there's some great jokes there, scroll down a ways.

Now Vance Randolph is not for the faint of heart. The stories are the dirty jokes of their time and if you are offended by that you probably won't like a glimpse in to American Folk history that isn't sentimental or nostalgic, but instead, funny as hell. The language of the stories is precise and good.

Now as for me being a Scrooge from the rest of you, I say no, there's no Scrooge in my intent of criticizing the post. My problem is the piece is hokey and isn't authentic, if you like Hallmark moments you'll love the piece. If, on the other hand, you like nuts in your peanut butter or a flavor other than vanilla, My gift to you is Vance Randolph. It might be a little rich for some, but damn the language is beautiful. My personal favorite is a story called "Wind on his guts" which I copied out for you all:

Wind on his guts

One time there was a farmer that always had wind on his guts, till he was pooched out like a cat full of kittens. He could belch the loudest you ever heard, and whenever he let off a fart it would stink something terrible. Finally he fired off a big one about four o'clock in the morning, so his wife jumped up and run out of the house. the kids run out too, and they all stood around in the yard a-puking till sun-up.

When he got to the doctor's office the farmer says, "Doc, there must be something wrong with my innards. Whenever I happen to break wind, it stinks so bad that nobody can stay in the house with me." Doc Holton thought a while, and then he says, "Do you reckon you could poot a little right now?" The feller just drawed a deep breath, and then he tore loose a blast that pretty near unjointed him. Doc didn't say nothing, but he jumped up to open the windows and the transom over the door. Then he throwed the front door wide open, and the people that was waiting in the office all went out to get some fresh air.

"My God," says Doc, "Something must have crawled up in you and died!" The fellow says he wants a bottle of strong medicine, but Doc just shook his head. "medicine won't do no good," he says. "But I advise you to take a big dish of raw onions with every meal, and a lot of garlic, and maybe some wild ramps. And at night, just before you go to bed, you better eat a half pound of limburger cheese."

"Do you reckon that stuff will cure me?" he says. Doc Holton looked mighty solemn. "No I don't believe it will cure you," says he, "But it might help some!"

 

[Loteck Joe]

Well wadin'boot, it appears that I have completely misread your post. Sometimes the written word is misunderstood without the ability to see someone's tongue in their cheek. I apologize for being so critical of your post and hope you accept my most humble regrets. I wish you and yours the happiest of Christmases and hope your New Year is most prosperous. The Good Lord willing, one day we will fish together and I can do more to patch things up.
Blessings on you, let's be friends,

 

[wadin' boot]

Well wadin'boot, it appears that I have completely misread your post. Sometimes the written word is misunderstood without the ability to see someone's tongue in their cheek,

No worries Loteck, no apology needed, my post comes on a little strong and after all, who would be stupid to enough to criticize the intent of Kerry's message?- I wish you a Merry X-mas to you and yours! Pick up the Randolph book, read it in the can, I guarantee you will be cracking up and someone will be banging on the door wondering what's going on in there... Mike

 

[Big Tuna]

Kerry- I'm Working on a story...in the meantime...Check out some Vance Randolph on google books: http://books.google.com/books?id=CG...&cd=1&source=gbs_ViewAPI#v=onepage&q=&f=false
there's some great jokes there, scroll down a ways.

Now Vance Randolph is not for the faint of heart. The stories are the dirty jokes of their time and if you are offended by that you probably won't like a glimpse in to American Folk history that isn't sentimental or nostalgic, but instead, funny as hell. The language of the stories is precise and good.

Now as for me being a Scrooge from the rest of you, I say no, there's no Scrooge in my intent of criticizing the post. My problem is the piece is hokey and isn't authentic, if you like Hallmark moments you'll love the piece. If, on the other hand, you like nuts in your peanut butter or a flavor other than vanilla, My gift to you is Vance Randolph. It might be a little rich for some, but damn the language is beautiful. My personal favorite is a story called "Wind on his guts" which I copied out for you all:

Wind on his guts

One time there was a farmer that always had wind on his guts, till he was pooched out like a cat full of kittens. He could belch the loudest you ever heard, and whenever he let off a fart it would stink something terrible. Finally he fired off a big one about four o'clock in the morning, so his wife jumped up and run out of the house. the kids run out too, and they all stood around in the yard a-puking till sun-up.

When he got to the doctor's office the farmer says, "Doc, there must be something wrong with my innards. Whenever I happen to break wind, it stinks so bad that nobody can stay in the house with me." Doc Holton thought a while, and then he says, "Do you reckon you could poot a little right now?" The feller just drawed a deep breath, and then he tore loose a blast that pretty near unjointed him. Doc didn't say nothing, but he jumped up to open the windows and the transom over the door. Then he throwed the front door wide open, and the people that was waiting in the office all went out to get some fresh air.

"My God," says Doc, "Something must have crawled up in you and died!" The fellow says he wants a bottle of strong medicine, but Doc just shook his head. "medicine won't do no good," he says. "But I advise you to take a big dish of raw onions with every meal, and a lot of garlic, and maybe some wild ramps. And at night, just before you go to bed, you better eat a half pound of limburger cheese."

"Do you reckon that stuff will cure me?" he says. Doc Holton looked mighty solemn. "No I don't believe it will cure you," says he, "But it might help some!"

Wow! Now that's some funny stuff. I love fart stories.

 

[Michael Thompson]

The funny thing is - back in Randolph's time period, frustrated writers were probably commenting on how his stuff isn't original and posting it on fly fishing forums as well... okay maybe not that last part. I don't think that there is anything original left to write about.
but kudos to boot for providing back up to his claim of unoriginality!:thumb: